‘Trapped: My Life with Cerebral Palsy’

March 30, 2015

Writing a radio play of Trapped

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I thought I had enough to do, what with holidays round the corner, and books to edit and finish, and talks to write and writes to talk….but apparently, I am also writing a radio play of Trapped.

A very different experience this is turning out to be. I am a very visual person, so having to write lots of dialogue and background information in a way that can be conveyed with a voice is rather like writing with the eyes shut. Not uncomfortable, but an interesting and very revealing challenge.

What to include and what to leave out will also depend not only on what is within my knowledge to recount, but also what will work, on radio. For obvious reasons, I am using the book as a template for the draft. I can add lots of interesting dialogue which had no place in the book, but I have a feeling the radio play will turn out very differently.

My friend Lucinda E Clarke is an expert with dialogue and has sent me part of a radio play she has written which she says is unfinished. Thanks for your help, Lucinda. I think you could finish that play…

Brox Sisters, Radio Teddy Bear
Brox Sisters, Radio Teddy Bear

 

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March 6, 2015

Capability Scotland – Thank You

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Capability Scotland – Thank you!

I am honoured to be part of your launch for the ‘Great Scottish Book Off’. It was a privilege to represent you on ‘Good Morning Scotland’; (at 02:36:14) and the appearance at Blackwells last night was such fun. Thank you for organising everything so beautifully. It is a total pleasure to work with you, and I hope that my small contribution has helped to give your campaign extra lift.

Thanks also to Blackwells for their generous support hosting last night’s event.

I just want to say… I sincerely appreciate everything Capability does to promote positive, inclusinve living. We all need Capability, to remind us that everyone has something valuable to offer to the big picture. Our part may feel small, only one piece of the puzzle, but…you know how it feels when that one piece of the puzzle is missing. Imagine spending months putting together a thousand piece jigsaw, only to find a piece missing. And if that puzzle is made up of millions of pieces…..?

Whether we are campaigners, volunteers, tea and scone makers or listeners, each one of us is uniquely important. We celebrate life’s richness, when we work together!

Thank you and bless you, always.

Rose heart

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March 4, 2015

Capability Scotland – The Great Scottish Book Off

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Capability Scotland – The Great Scottish Book Off

Tomorrow, on 5th March, which is designated as World Book Day 2015, Capability Scotland are launching their newest fundraising event, ‘The Great Scottish Book Off’, which will then run through the rest of March.

Paul Delaroche, Portrait of Son Joseph Carle
Paul Delaroche, Portrait of Son Joseph Carle

Family, friends, colleagues and neighbours are invited to get together and swap pre-read books. If there is a modest charge for admission, or a collection, the idea is to pass these funds to Capability, to further their work and projects in Scotland.

I am delighted that tomorrow morning, at 8.30, I am making a guest appearance on Radio Scotland, live from their Edinburgh Studio, to help publicise Capability’s campaign. I look forward to a friendly and candid interview. Later in the evening, at 18.30 – 19.30 I shall be giving a short talk and a reading from ‘Trapped’, as well as answering questions. If you can, please do come along to Blackwells, South Bridge, Edinburgh. It is going to be a great event.

My sincerest thanks to Capability for inviting me to be part of their event, and to Blackwells Bookstore, Edinburgh, for being so generous and accommodating.

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December 18, 2014

Learning Curves

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Learning Curves

The advent of my fiftieth birthday gives me a valuable opportunity to reflect on all the lessons I have learned. Every year I reflect, and every year I see many new changes and challenges coming my way. Ever so gradually, I notice that, since it serves me to work this way, I can turn every challenge into an opportunity to learn something important. Learning curves go both ways, of course, and maybe the trick is to learn to surf them.

When something difficult happens, we can, of course, get upset and go back to bed. We can see what happens as an inevitable part of life’s rich tapestry. We can smile and what catches us and try to let it go.

I do my best to remember that Life

  1. Constantly hopes for the best for me; and
  2. Has something to teach me.

Therefore, logic suggests that the hardest lessons are the most important, and offer the biggest opportunities for growth, for change and for deciding to play the game of Life differently. That way of seeing things gives me hope.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a blessed, happy New Year. 2014 has been amazing, and I wait with deep excitement for the delights of 2015. Thanks for all your comments, encouragement, reviews, support and friendship.

Flowers, by Fran Macilvey
Flowers, by Fran Macilvey

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December 3, 2014

Resistance

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Yesterday morning I had a waking dream, there to remind me to take it slow and certain, to step with confidence and keep my head up. Not to think too much about what is going on around my feet, not to notice the litter on the stones. Instead, to stay on the path, and walk steadily.

This morning, I thought, ‘How lovely, finally, to be free, to be relaxed and happy and to take my time and do what I choose, lots of lovely stuff!’ I decided while showering for my swim that, for the next thirty-five years, or as long as I have left, I would dwell on pleasant preoccupations, rather than the worrying kind that are my usual companions. And straightaway, as if to contradict me -‘No, you won’t!’ – my mind set up a trip, so that I slipped off the top step of the pool and ended up sitting sideways on the second step, jammed at an angle, my foot caught and twisted awkwardly. It hurt. In lots of different, awkward and unexpected ways, the pain is unpredictable. I tried swimming a couple of lengths and then gave up the struggle and got out, hobbling to the changing room on the arm of the pool attendant.

I was trying to laugh it off, because I know that this was just resistance.

Have you ever made a decision, such as, ‘I’m going to just get on with this!” and then something happens that makes it impossible? The computer printer jams, the intercom interrupts you, the pan boils over, and there you are, back in the old mood, the old pattern…..

Nowadays I call that resistance, and I do my best to overlook it. I want to stay positive and re-focus on my dreams, on my delicious preferences, and on looking after myself enjoyably. But resistance, which wants just to get back to the old mind patterns it recognises, would rather I just got back to what is familiar, and will set up all kinds of ‘accidents’ to bring me down again.

I won’t let that happen, so I am smiling. And while three guys were helping me as I inched home, and though my foot does wince, I am determined to ignore it. When I was being attended to, I tried to laugh, even as I cried with the pain. It was funny, actually, and I can see why it happened, but goodness, it was sudden and unexpected, and I felt rather an eejit reassuring everyone it was nothing to worry about, as they stood about with clip-boards and concerned expressions while I cried and laughed simultaneously.

Can anyone reassure me that yes, they understand exactly where I’m coming from? Does anyone else see life this way?

 

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November 26, 2014

Why Did I Write Trapped? (Conclusion)

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Yellow rose

So, why did I write Trapped? I have been astonished to notice, in the pavement, a flowering dandelion with roots so tenacious that the concrete is cracking around it. Similarly, when I was about forty-two, I knew I sat at a cross-roads, or, as a friend put it, on a roundabout, facing a number of choices and not sure which way to go. But I have always known that if I could simply summon the courage to begin writing, and writing in particular about my life, I could maybe find answers, and a new will to live which would crack open all my misconceptions and mistakes, and give me new room to move and breathe and begin again.

It is all very well and good, knowing the theories of happiness, but at times it is necessary to take the risk of experimenting with one’s own life and circumstances to see how they turn out. It is a bit like jumping off a cliff without a parachute and hoping that someone or something will catch you and lift you up: an eagle, a winged horse, a swan, the branch of a tree snagging on the back of your jacket, or a grassy ledge that we land on, breaking our free fall descent. Who knows how it will turn out?

The only way to know, is to have the courage to take risks, with friendships, with ideas and with every single opportunity that presents itself. And that, ultimately, is why I wrote Trapped. To test myself, and see how far I could go.

Rose, 'Golden Celebration'
Rose, ‘Golden Celebration’

The journey is not over. In fact, in some ways, it is just beginning. There is still much to do. I have at least three more books to write and publish, and I welcome opportunities to promote all my books, wherever these chances originate. I am learning how valuable friendships are, that can originate in the most unlikely places. As my header says, every day is a fresh opportunity, and I intend to make the most of them. If that means I have to journey to Pittsburgh and subsist on peanut butter sandwiches for a week, or get a cleaner to take up some of the household jobs, or a PA man to help with admin and publicity, then bring it on! Life is for living, and that is why I write.

Rose 'New Day'
Rose ‘New Day’

If anyone would like to contact me to discuss publicity, promotion or other ideas, please write here, or contact me at franmacilvey@fastmail.fm Thanks to everyone for reading, sharing, commenting, supporting and cheering me on. I love you all.

 

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November 19, 2014

Why Did I Write Trapped (Part 2)

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Lotus_india_cropped

Recently I was interviewed about Trapped at my husband’s church, and the experience was over so soon, I felt I hardly had time to draw breath. I had prepared some answers to questions, which were helpful to hold on to. When we went off script, it felt quite natural, easy and relaxed.

The minister was gentle. She asked thoughtful questions, asked, why did I write Trapped; and was so perceptive and kind that, almost, despite the laughter, it would have been easy to weep, though not for the obvious reasons.

Being disabled, one runs the constant risk of being misunderstood. I felt I was, and that process turned me initially guarded, then defensive, then prickly, then isolated. In retrospect, and having had the courage to spell everything out (as much as for myself as for the reader), I see that retreat is not inevitable, of course. I can’t help feeling that much misunderstanding and sorrow might have been avoided, or shed more easily and naturally, if there had been more people around who were unafraid to grasp me in their arms, speak to me as I needed to be spoken to, firmly and kindly, in order to break through the self-imposed isolation that has been one consequence of being misread.

I grieve for the obvious reason that life was awful, and for the less obvious reason that I have wasted so many years being unhappy. There is the other, more insidious pain of knowing that my perceptions – like those of others! – were often greatly mistaken, and that if I had been less fearful and stood my ground, no-one would have minded terribly.

Sure, the world is full of insensitive oafs, and cruel people who are casually unjust, and it is our focus on such people that turns us inward. But the world is also brimming with delightfully kind, forgiving and thoughtful people.

This also makes me grieve now, because I missed so many opportunities for joy, and for love, and for fun and humour and sheer delight. Meeting wonderful people, knowing they can see past my social awkwardness, my stumblingly stupid statements, to the smile that hopes it will be accepted, is so liberating. That makes me grieve now. Life is full of inexplicable contradictions, isn’t it?

Without having gone out of my way to excavate my experiences by writing them, none of this would be clear. Muddy confusion would all be sitting still, at the bottom of a dark glass, festering.

Lavender_rose

 

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November 17, 2014

Why Did I Write Trapped

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Why did I write Trapped

Occasionally, puzzled people have asked, abruptly, why did I write Trapped.  Why did I pursue my dream of publication?  Do I not object to the invasion of my privacy and the laying bare of my intimate life?

Three Roses

Yes, well.  I always felt I could write, comfortably enough to attract an enthusiastic A+ in essay writing from a stiff and challenging teacher with a soft centre: ‘excellent story, Fran, but I can’t think WHAT has happened to your handwriting!’  I have always written, and eventually it became obvious (probably because I could not fritter away my time being a barmaid or a waitress) that I should stop chasing after what I would never be able to do, and focus on what I could do.  It seemed silly to pretend that writing was frivolous and unimportant, especially as I’ve always had a sneaking suspicion that I enjoy it.

I got to forty, and thought, hey, I’ve arrived, and getting old seems to be the world’s best kept secret.  I became even more sedate and withdrawn, dignified, as a forty-year-old thinks she has to be.  But as I cranked up some steam into the following decade, I knew I was hiding, and that my personal silence was much less important than finally – finally – letting my family discover who I was, and  that I really, really love them.  My parents grow frailer, my siblings have their own issues and challenges, and my husband and daughter could do with a few more clues about me.  I thought it might be helpful if I could maybe throw some love and understanding their way: come to terms, discard those grudges that go back years, empty out the pot of resentment and clear away the backlog of mistaken assumptions.  Writing helps with all these aspects of growing up.  The process of learning to write and having the courage to publish is in itself so rewarding, that even if I knew then, what I know now (how long it would take, how much pain there would be) I would still accept the challenge.  A bit of discomfort is never a reason to shy away from home truths.

Rose heart

In case you missed it, here is an interview with Claire Wingfield which was first published on 29th September on her blog.  Please visit her blog, comment and share.  And thanks for reading this.

 

 

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September 29, 2014

Claire Wingfield interviews Fran Macilvey

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Claire Wingfield Interviews Fran Macilvey

I am delighted that today, writer and editor, Claire Wingfield, interviews me about the process of writing and publishing my book, ‘Trapped: My Life With Cerebral Palsy’.

Claire is one of my mentors, instrumental both in motivating me to continue writing, and in helping to edit the manuscript so that firstly, it was more readable, and secondly, that so it didn’t end up telling lots of stories about other people. In this blog I have touched on the difficulty of writing memoir and, while endeavouring to be as truthful as possible, not treading on other people’s toes.

Her honest feedback also motivated me to keep going with the quest to find a publisher. It may have taken a few years, but it has been worth it! Claire has written ‘Fifty Two Dates For Writers’  to keep writers motivated.

Thank you, Claire, for being such an inspirational friend and a thoughtful critic.

You can find Claire’s interview, ‘Writing One’s Life’ on her blog today. Anyone who ‘likes’ this interview has the chance to win a copy of my book.

 

Good Luck flower

 

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June 20, 2014

RALPH Mag

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Pegasus
Pegasus

On Wednesday morning, I received some wonderful news.

The Review of Arts, Literature, Philosophy and the Humanities – RALPH Mag – (not to be confused with a  lads’ magazine featuring busty ladies on the covers) published a full and extremely complimentary review of ‘Trapped’ in their latest edition (number 251, midsummer 2014). The Editor found my email address and emailed to let me know.

This was a lead that my publicist at Skyhorse found, as she has been quietly going about her business on our collective behalves.

I am humbled and gobsmacked in equal measure. Yes, I know, a speech of gratitude would not normally include the word gobsmacked, but no other word comes close to expressing my gobsmacked-ness. I am delighted that they not only reviewed ‘Trapped’ so favourably, but gave it a major slot, and published an excerpt. A hat-trick! A truly humbling realisation.

I spent most of the day attempting to log on to the RALPH.org webpages, without success, but have now learned that material from a particular address can often be found in Google’s cached memory so that, if you can’t access the page, you can discover its content by clicking on the small green arrow pointing down, which is listed in the Google results page. The word ‘cached’ comes up, which then shows the content, even if the page or website is off-line. A very handy thing to have learned.

Finding and pursuing leads is an odd business, rather like being on a bobbing boat, or at a funfair. Up one minute, down the next, as reviews, articles, ratings, comments and missed chances catch us unexpectedly. When lovely things happen, it feels awesome. When something doesn’t work out, if a lead fizzles out or hoped-for results don’t materialise , we can learn something from that process, even if it might be, how not to rise to indifference, how retrieve information from the web or accept that the time may not be right.

Meantime, the latest good news gives my optimism wings!

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