Fran’s School of Hard Knocks

October 4, 2017

4 October 2016

Fran's School of Hard Knocks, Happiness Matters 4 Comments

4 October 2016

A year ago today, my brother died. He slipped out of this life peacefully, having fought so hard to stay. He had every incentive to stay, children who needed him, and many, many work projects and ideas that he was developing. How he kept track of all that, while working and running a household is mind-boggling. But he did it all, and the reality now, looking back at what he did, and the way he lived, is that his example has taught me so much of the small lessons, the big lessons and the huge, about what life is for.

Interestingly, his example, his strength, has illuminated for me what really matters in life and the patience, compassion and toleration that allows life to be meaningful and to flourish. His strength stands to constantly remind me to be brave and to be authentic, not frightened, when faced with challenges. And I notice, more and more, that challenges come quietly. We have to take these chances when they come along, or their like may not come again.

Another of my brother’s gifts is to have brought our family closer together in the aftermath of his passing. We have had no choice, these last two years, but to let go of past troubles, to talk honestly, to be forgiving and to listen to each other. Adversity forces us to focus on what really matters, to cut to the chase. And yes, to recognise that being grumpy, miserable and resentful are a total waste of time! It has been so totally amazing to notice and reconcile deep grieving and compassion with the desire for real happiness. We can all be sad, and deeply happy at the same time.

Time is fleeting, so let us recognise it every day as a gift and make the most of it.

Please share:

Facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblrFacebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblr

September 29, 2017

Loneliness or being alone

Fran Macilvey, Fran's School of Hard Knocks, Happiness Matters, Path To Publication, The Rights & Wrongs of Writing 0 Comments

Loneliness or being alone.

I guess it is easy, being alone at home, to feel lonely.

Even so, most us us know, there is no guarantee that, even with a houseful of people, we won’t feel lonely; which is not a good feeling.

Miranda, The Tempest, by John W Waterhouse

 

I love sitting peacefully listening to silence. And when I sit quietly, that is when answers come and I feel less alone. It is part of a greater realisation that I am actually never alone. If I can only remember, on the days I feel hassled, to listen out for that awareness. Hard to put into writing, but true, even so.

How many of us say we are lonely? Yet, do we make enough good quality time to rest peacefully? Even when doing something relatively calming, like reading a book or listening to music, we fret about all the things we should be doing.

The long school holidays were an interesting time for me. Seldom alone, I decided to abandon all ideas of working, and in doing so, the stress melted away – so I really enjoyed the time off, though as time passed, I felt myself yearning for opportunities just to be alone. Even an hour was rare. There have been plenty of challenges, but staying with them made them easier to resolve easily.

I need a connection with silence, which, however it works, seems to offer lots of answers far more easily than if I decide I have to push and shove. How lovely when we can find answers by doing ‘nothing’ and discern a way forward; when we discover that all the things we create while resting are valuable and on point.

Why should work be a stress, or rest, a snatched, hurried interlude? That doesn’t seem to be a good way to live.

Please share:

Facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblrFacebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblr

September 26, 2017

Writing Update – works in progress

Fran Macilvey, Fran's School of Hard Knocks, Path To Publication, The Rights & Wrongs of Writing, Women's fiction and chic lit 2 Comments

Writing Update – Works in Progress

Okay, so perhaps three weeks ago, I completed what I thought was the ‘second full edit’ of my first novel, Lisa Somerville, and set it aside with a great sigh.

Then something rather strange happened. Quite apart from editing, I really itched to write again. And I discovered that I write best in silence. I have been listening and writing in the silence and what I have discovered quite surprises me. Perhaps you can recognise some of this.

I love, love, love!! to write. I really do enjoy giving voice to my characters, and in silence I can do this enthusiastically and with real joy.

Each character in every story has her or his own life and motivations. They each need to fully inhabit their own space. That’s to say, Susan, Sheila and Richard deserve to fully inhabit one novel; and Lisa, Simon and Chrissie to inhabit another. I humbly apologise for my failure to appreciate this sooner and beg their collective humble pardons for this oversight.

I now have to rewrite Lisa Somerville again, because when I read it afresh, I am itching to make changes and bring it to life in new ways. But before I can do that, I need a clean, clear outline for the second book of the series, Susan Scott. Because what happens in book 2 affects what happens in book 1, I must avoid repeating scenes where the lives of the characters intersect.

By writing the second book before I complete the first, I am hoping to clinch that illusive requirement, internal consistency. (I used to complain about writing backwards, but honestly, I’d rather know this has to be done, than wait around wondering why my writing is stalled.)

Though I enjoy writing, and write better with a sense of urgency, there is no especial hurry. I can enjoy writing in my own time. But while I have the enthusiasm, I must write. No dawdling please. Keep going slow and steady.

It’s all about timing. Instead of worrying that I have to do a thing by next week, I’m beginning to notice that all things happen in perfect timing, and that there is no reason in the world of what we do, to make our doing of anything any more painful, stressful or worrisome than it already is. If we are not enjoying what we are doing, why are we doing it? What might seem like a hard knock, or a tall order, simply becomes fun again.

Happy writing!

Please share:

Facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblrFacebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblr

September 22, 2017

Doing something badly or not at all

'Trapped: My Life with Cerebral Palsy', cerebral palsy, Fran Macilvey, Fran's School of Hard Knocks 4 Comments

Doing something badly or not at all

Doing a thing badly or not at all, is a question that has rather haunted me.

When I was younger, I was a disciple of perfection, so tended not to do anything, unless I could do it perfectly. That, of course, is rather meaningless, and entails doing nothing for long periods of time – what a waste.

But rather like the drinker who crawls inside a bottle for twenty years to escape the pain and finds, on her re-emergence that all her lessons are still waiting to be tackled, doing nothing for fear of doing or saying the wrong thing, is only a stop-gap. Sooner or later, these same lessons will come knocking at the door, demanding admittance. And it’s not use, either, deciding flatly never to engage, because there is a strong likelihood that the same lessons will come back again in future lives. (This is a subject I write about in my next book, Making Miracles, set to be released next May – which is just my way of saying, as soon as I can find the time to do it.)

I now would much rather attempt a thing, than decide not to bother, so long as I consider it worth the attempt. I think, also, that as we get older, our fear of making a fool of ourselves diminishes. We get to thinking that it might be rather fun to take a chance on something, for a change, it might be rather fun to make a fool of ourselves. If we don’t do it soon, when will we? And who cares? Our time becomes very precious when we can feel its tangible quality.

Also, I admit, this particular lesson – that it is better to try and fail than not to try at all – has real resonance for me because, as a disabled youngster, I felt such intense pressure to pass myself as ‘normal’ – whatever that means! I would sooner have volunteered to fly to the moon, than single myself out for the intense ignominy of failure, no matter how unlikely that outcome, and no matter that most others would not be thinking about failure, while watching my attempt.

Strange, the things we torture ourselves with when we are young. Youth may have a blank canvas to work with but self-definition is often painful in the acquisition.

Thanks for reading!

Please share:

Facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblrFacebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblr

September 13, 2017

Happiness Workshops

Fran Macilvey, Fran's School of Hard Knocks, Happiness Matters 0 Comments

Happiness Workshops

Happiness is one of these life qualities – a life skill? – that eluded me for many years.

It is only with the gradual dawning of my writing career, which started so quietly in June 2007, that I started to really look at what happiness is, what is can be, and how we can all have more of it. I don’t suppose we can have it all the time. If we did, we probably would not be able to see it. But even so, happiness matters. It is important – it imports into our lives meaning, purpose and lots of unexpected outcomes that sadness or worry simply keep at arms length.

Taking the themes I explore in my book, Happiness Matters, I’m writing a series of Happiness Workshops which I can tailor to any particular questions, time frame or hope. I don’t claim to have all the answers or access to particular wisdom – far from it – but there are times when sharing the problems we encounter, we can see in them hopes that may so far have been elusive.

I gain great help and hope in the process of writing, in the insights I discover from quietly asking questions and waiting for answers to percolate. Increasingly, I trust that process to unfold easily what I need to know for the next little while. It has been the work of years, decades even, and there have been some stonking great challenges on the way, but that is all part of the mosaic of living.

I would be happy to hear from anyone wondering if my workshops might work for them.

Email me here or contact me on Facebook or at franmacilvey@fastmail.fm

Please share:

Facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblrFacebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblr

September 6, 2017

Valuing my time

Fran Macilvey, Fran's School of Hard Knocks, The Rights & Wrongs of Writing 2 Comments

Valuing my time

 

When it comes to selling my books direct to the public, I’m shy – I find it difficult to charge the full cover price without blushing. Interesting question from this reader follows – Why?

In the past, it has been because when I see the cover price and consider the outlays, I say to myself, ‘That’s enough of a mark-up….’ or more usually, ‘That’s enough for me just now…’

But hang on. What about the value of my time? That intangible quality, that gift from Heaven knows where, which, when we are young we seem to have so much of. From a vast, pale canvas, a cavern to fill with our plans and dreams, as our years pass, time seems to kaleidoscope alarmingly into something bright and precious… It shrinks imperceptibly, brightening up with the power of our focus to something so valuable.

And writing my books has literally taken years of my time. Time I will not get back, that has been and is precious to me. Investing in this desk-computer-word-count business means I have not done other things I wanted to… All that is worth part of the price too, is it not?

When considering prices, wholesale discounts and the rest, it is so tempting to say, ‘It doesn’t matter…’ and feel a bit wilted afterwards at yet another example of self-sabotage, that classic, painful opt down.

At least I know what to do about it. To counter any more erosion of my self-belief, this important principle, a mere two pounds here and there, may not seem much, but it feels good to ask, unashamed, for the full cover price. There is no storm waiting at the end of that private battle, only more confidence. Only more certainty in knowing that I’ve compromised enough, enough now, and that time is too precious to discount.

Please share:

Facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblrFacebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblr

August 25, 2017

Failure to please oneself

Fran Macilvey, Fran's School of Hard Knocks, Happiness Matters, The Rights & Wrongs of Writing 2 Comments

Failure to please oneself…

“Maldives sunset silhouettes” by Creative Independence

 

One mantra running going through my head, helps to answer some of my current dilemmas. It has been useful to me lately, thankfully, or else I would find myself very lost.

“….Betrayal of your Self in order not to betray another is betrayal nonetheless. It is the highest betrayal….” comes from Conversations with God Volume 1.

Yes, I know what that means and what it entails for me right now. But it is hard to honour the tasks that have been set for me to do when others’ needs press so much on me and I feel so pulled towards them.

We all have times when we ask, ‘What will happen to that, if I do nothing about it? Will it die without me? What would that death do to those who are relying on me and who are so dear to me? Will it wait a few more years for me to come back to it? Should I allow other’s need to overtake mine, even if that becomes a great fat obligation that I know – I know – is entirely the wrong motivation and will procure and produce little of use. So many questions, each with their own peculiar pain.

I know that doing things because we feel obliged to, is the wrong reason, and, even despite all the work it might entail, is ultimately an empty gesture.

How do I express my love for those I adore, by letting them down?

There is another way to look at this. By doing what I don’t want to do – not yet, though I feel obliged to and might get round to it some day – am I trespassing on someone else’s karma? Am I smudging their path, which is for them to walk? Worse, is that the kind of interference which will come back to bite us both on the ankle? Ouch! I don’t much like the sound of that.

Imagine spending five years – for that is the least time it would take to do this job well – and then to discover that, actually, no-one is pleased or grateful. Even if they are, I probably won’t have been. Better by far to do what I can, when I feel it is the right time. It is hard to trust though, very hard to let go, when I am so used to expressing my love by ‘helping’ others.

There is no going back to the patterns of old, whatever we decide. We can only go forward, doing what our hearts call us to do.

Please share:

Facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblrFacebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblr

August 21, 2017

Access problems my problem

Fran Macilvey, Fran's School of Hard Knocks, Happiness Matters 0 Comments

Access problems, my problem?

Stairs, Santorini, Greece – image courtesy of Google

 

At our holiday hotel, I forgot – I forgot! – to ask about access, ground floor apartments and all that jazz. It would have been so easy. We booked in April, but I forgot. We found ourselves up several flights of stairs and steps – awkward and without handrails – of hard and unfamiliar marble. Familiar to the blithe locals used to the heat and used to hardness against the sun. Painful to fall on, I’ve no doubt, especially at the head of a flight…. No thanks.

So for a couple of days I hummed and hawed, tottered and prayed until we had worked out a path I could manage alone, without the hovering, worried arm of my beloved other half. Mercifully, no falls happened to cause any lasting damage – and how awkward that would have been.

I just forget, you see. In late middle age – early late age? – I am not as robust, bouncy, or able as I used to be. But because I can get around my home area easily enough I forget that all other places hold unknown hazards that slow me down to a snail’s pace. It is also untrue that my home is safe. In the last three years I have had numerous extremely painful falls, jarring myself on edges that I didn’t see coming, or that appeared unexpectedly in the wrong place. How dare they! They are, each in their way, painful reminders, that ten years is a long time in the life of a mobility-impaired mother. Ten good years, and each year increasingly precious, each pain-free day a more obvious achievement.

I have grown up enough to recognise that I can be happy with what life throws me. Which I do aim to be, increasingly. I find the only way to do that is to go deep within, and focus on what I want and need, and leave others to their own needs.

 

Please share:

Facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblrFacebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblr

August 14, 2017

Our Big Five

Fran Macilvey, Fran's School of Hard Knocks, Happiness Matters 4 Comments

Our Big Five

No, not the animals in Africa that hunters find most difficult to track on foot; not the lion, the rhino, the leopard…

No, I’m only referring to our holiday travels. Our big five featured on our holiday to Greece, from which we have just returned burned, blistered and a bit dazed by the intense light and heat. I loved it, but even for me, it proved a bit too hot…

Our itinerary was a rather complicated:-

  • Taxi to Waverley station, train to London Kings Cross, Train from St Pancras station (‘Pancreas’ to my daughter) to Gatwick Airport, airport bus to Airport Hotel, pause.
  • Very early (4.30 am) bus to Gatwick, plane to Kavala Airport on mainland Greece, bus to ferry port, ferry to Thassos, coach to hotel resort.

Long pause for relaxation, swimming in the sea, drinking mocktails and admiring sunsets. Then everything in reverse on the way home.

Our big five, taxi, train, coach, plane and ferry took four days out of a ten day holiday; an interesting, fun and educative experience. Would I do it again?

Well, waiting for our flight home from Kavala, I noticed that while there was one flight to Gatwick leaving at 2pm, four flights to various cities in Germany were on the boards, all leaving earlier in the day. Which set me thinking. Since most of flying travel time is taken up with getting to airports, checking in with two hours to spare and hanging around in departure lounges, the fact of already being at an airport makes a transit flight for the second leg of a journey Gatwick / Edinburgh much more obviously appealing.

So if there is to be a next time, I will enquire if there are any flights from Bonn, say, to Edinburgh, and take two flights in one day. With the time difference of two hours from Greece, what seems an impossibility while standing in an Edinburgh travel agents, becomes more obvious when glancing at the flight boards in far flung places.

Thanks so much for reading!

Please share:

Facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblrFacebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblr

August 12, 2017

Getting Back to Normal

Fran Macilvey, Fran's School of Hard Knocks, Happiness Matters 2 Comments

Getting Back to Normal

Welcome back after the long Summer break – I’m so pleased to be blogging again. It’s great to be getting back to normal, settling back into the usual routines.

But, hang on….

It seems we all take holidays and travel away, abroad in vast numbers each year for a week or two, to ‘get away from it all’. There are dozens of clichés about seeking adventure, a change of scene, finding oneself. And, getting away can make me feel bigger, more expansive, and helps to broaden my perspectives.

And I also love to come home. I revel in comfortable routines, a good bed, soft sheets, a great cup of tea, and familiar comforts; knowing I’m not going to have to deal with too many unexpected quirks…Those quirks that our flat has tend to be known. (Better not mention, then, the shower head in our hotel which hung limply, spraying water all over the floor instead of on me…)

But there is a big part of me that resists the return to ‘normal routines’. I can feel distinctly irked at the return of all the old – and frankly rather dated – expectations that it was a relief to relinquish for a week or so.

So here are my top tips for surviving the post-holiday blues.

 

  • If our first reaction when we come home is ‘Wow, our place feels very small…’ it’s a sign that we have grown during our time away.

 

  • Agree that expansion, change and growth are A Good Thing, both inevitable and precious. There is no going back to the old routines. Life changes forward.

 

  • In the familiarity of being at home, notice how old habits, which took a rest during our time away, resurface very fast. Decide which habits you want to change, and which are okay to keep.

 

  • We can be happy anywhere, so let’s keep the good mood around. There is no reason to send it packing just because we have come back home. Let’s laugh.

 

  • Let’s not go back to what other people expect or want from us. Why should we? Let’s do what we want to do, and leave other people to sort out their own lives.

 

Great plan. Thanks for reading.

 

Please share:

Facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblrFacebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblr
1 2 3 4 5 >»
This site uses cookies More info