Reactions to my books have been and continue to be overwhelmingly supportive. I am very touched that my story has reached so many readers, some of whom have contacted me with messages of love and support and to share their own stories.
I’m glad if my experiences can help to inform and console: in navigating our way through life, I find there are few more toxic experiences than being lonely.
Many whom I would count as good friends express surprise, saying, I had no idea. They are astonished that so much can have happened of which they have been unaware, though of course, since I have been introverted, depressed and solitary for so many years, it is unsurprising to me that, until now, the best way I knew to maintain my dignity was with silence: I’m less ashamed of how things were then, and can talk about them. And my shame has a different quality – less, how embarrassing; more how could I tolerate that? which makes me want to advocate, not hide.
Which must be one reason why I started writing. I feared being swallowed up completely by my tendency to silence. So I gave up the unequal struggle to hold it all in, knowing, even as I wrote, that eventually, when I had smoothed it out a bit and found a way to come to terms, I would go public, despite an intense desire to chuck it all in and run away: my reactions to my books are still mixed.
I still think it matters to maintain peaceful dignity. But often that is a way of staying away from the helping arms that others willingly extend towards us. We do need to show our weaknesses, our frailty, and allow others to understand. I’m sorry that, for so long, I have been unable to share intimacies, or to trust that the reactions of friends and family would be supportive. I regret the missed opportunities to share more fully, because, at the very least, sharing would have helped me to notice that we all have stuff to deal with, we all struggle and suffer together in this melting pot called “Life”. Seeing that more clearly would have given me the courage to make more mistakes, be more outspoken, to take more risks so that I might move more freely and enjoy life more.
Thanks for listening.
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November 11, 2019
When I Let Go
Fran Macilvey 'Trapped: My Life with Cerebral Palsy', cerebral palsy, Fran's School of Hard Knocks, Happiness Matters, Making Miracles 8 Comments
When I let go
When I let go of all the needs, wants, plans and expectations, one thing remains still to be acknowledged and resolved. In all this “working for myself” gig, there has been – there is – one obsession that pushes at me, and that at the same time almost guarantees that I shall either feel unhappy or as if I have failed.
It is the feeling – the belief – that there is something that I should or could be doing that I am not doing. Some path that I have not walked, some obvious answer I have not found, some way forward that I have overlooked. Only glimpsed until now, this is the belief that makes me anxious or fretful: that I have been given a job to do in which I am failing.
I can notice where this fear comes from – perfectionism, the fear of not being good enough, and also of trying to keep up with others. To give an example, “they” might go to a book fair for three days of networking and mutual back slapping as they meet, walk and talk up and down the escalators. I assume I want to do that too, not for the anxious busyness or the caffeine drive, but for the sense of belonging. That old feeling of yearning transmutes into a feeling that, if I really wanted something enough, I could work for it. So, if I don’t get what I dream for, that’s because I’m slow, lazy, not good enough…
And then I remember that Life – which has brought me this far and which continues to care for me – will, in its way, bring me naturally to what comes next. I can – ok, I must – stop running to catch up. I can invite what comes next by being first peaceful, and then by choosing a path – any path – and walking it.
Finally, I remember that it matters little which path I choose. Like the plastic duck that never drowns and that travels thousands of miles without trying, life still has a way of righting itself, as long as I can stay optimistic and happy.
Thanks for listening.
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