Finding a way through.
I’m finding life challenging at the moment. Wondering how to manage, it seems to me that the tried and tested methods are the best, and I’ve written about these a lot. I use my writing to help inform my beliefs about Life, the Universe, and what to do when surprises crop up.
I’ve had a few surprises lately: News about my father that makes me grieve; a new old friend in the mix, bringing back memories from decades ago; unexpected delays over a whole host of small and not so important details. Through these concerns, the threads of life weave continuously. Meals need to be prepared, food bought and laundry dried….thank God for the small anchors of domesticity. They drive me bonkers, at times, but they also give me something to do when my brain goes off the deep end, into memories filled with dark eddies and painful compromises.
I wish I had had more courage, and talked more honestly of what mattered to me. If I had cultivated honesty instead of silence, I might be better at dealing truthfully with what matters to me now. My father, whom I love so much and without being able to express it well, is going to be passing on soon. My husband deserves to hear more about what is troubling me, but suitable words seem to be on sabbatical.
My first tool for coping is to surrender. A quote in my IN box lately came via Ingrid Bergmann, who said, ‘Happiness is good health and a bad memory’ and I am relieved to hear it. I enjoy the reminder that the past may be real, but is not as real as the shadows beneath the trees I can see over the road. And in the midst of life’s unexpected challenges, it is anyway easier not to think about our preoccupations. Somehow, that makes them bigger and more looming. As they get bigger, they cast a wider shadow over the rest of life.
The next tool is notice how far I have come. Not to dismiss the compromises and the dignified silence, but to see these as the best I could manage, at the time.
And finally, keep eating. Oatcakes at three am, with a cup of barley coffee, are remarkably sustaining, and remind me that small acts of love are just as important as big ones.
Thanks for reading. I may not post blogs for a while, and hope you will bear with me. Please do keep in touch.