The Rights & Wrongs of Writing

Considering legal matters.

When we set out to write our memoirs we may find ourself considering legal matters. In summary, these are not as complex as people sometimes assume.

We do not need to do exhaustive research, we do not even need to get all our facts right – there are times when our recollection of events is less painful than what actually happened – and in general, we are given considerable leeway in what we write about, providing we remember:

~ To write our own life stories, not the stories of other people

~ To write honestly, willingly and even-handedly. I like to think, and I say often, that if someone thinks I have been unkind in my portrayal of them, that I have been at least as unkind about myself.

~ We write clearly, showing the facts of what happened, rather than relating mythic family stories that have been handed down.

~ We avoid inflammatory language wherever possible.

~ We are careful in levelling accusations against others. If a parental figure was obviously unkind, or ill, or had it in for us, we may say so; if we are using the opportunity of writing our memoirs to get revenge or indulge in a “pity party” that’s probably not the best strategy. It can be a close call, sometimes, which is why I would always advocate writing less, rather than more.

The main lesson of writing memoir, for me, has been that it has taught me to have more empathy for others, including all those who have challenged me. As I have come to see those challenges as gifts, I have gained a great deal.

So in the processes of writing, in reflecting on the benefits of memoir, I like to think that what I have gained has been achieved without compromising the integrity or dignity of others, even my detractors. While others may, occasionally, have harsh or unflattering things to say about me, I don’t see it as part of my job to reciprocate in kind. The public benefits of memoir are concerned with sharing experiences, so that others may feel less alone with their experiences.

Thank you for reading this series on memoir. Please bear in mind that all my suggestions are based around my own experiences, taking into account feedback from readers, reviewers and family members. I do not claim to be an up-to-date expert, nor to speak about the laws in multiple jurisdiction. Each case must be considered on its own unique merits.

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To collate our memories

In writing memoir, since the point is to collate our memories and experiences, we do not need to do exhaustive research.

Of course, if someone does offer useful feedback, use it, so long as that information is about practical, everyday details that will make our narrative more interesting or credible. Thus, household details and timelines wil be useful; on the other hand, no matter how often Great Aunt Augusta reassures you that, “Yes, of course you can mention that I was born in an orphanage dear, no-one cares about that sort of thing nowadays…!” resist the urge to wander into the thickets of another person’s past. The past is murky, at best, Aunt Agatha may later have qualms, and without being privy to her social and emotional context, we are most unlikely to do Aunt Agatha justice.

If we are clear that we are writing about our own experiences as we remember them, this also, and quite naturally, preserves our best defence: that we are allowed to express ourselves and, in so doing, to record our impressions of our own experiences. And while the best version of these will be what we can clearly remember at that time, even our erroneous interpretations of the past, taken as a snapshot in the present day, are allowable and can be excused.

I have said that during “Stage One” writing we may borrow and abuse as much information as we like. In the privacy of our rooms we can indeed use the “delve and expose” methodology for our own catharsis; and laying bare what lies in the deepest recesses of our hearts may be necessary for our own sanity. In this situation, no-one will ever know, and no-one can challenge, what we first write. So long as we later have the courage to excise and refine ruthlessly.

Since it very challenging to be objective about events and circumstances that have caused us the most emotional pain, I prefer to stick to the “no borrowing” rule as much as possible from the outset. If we find that to be too difficult, I suggest having a separate document marked “Private and confidential” in which we record painful details before we even attempt a version that might be for publication.

Thanks for listening.

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It can be hard to know

It can be hard to know what episodes of a life to include, and which to omit.

If I saw something which for me was hugely informative – perhaps I saw my mother crying or my father shouting – do I mention that? Or is it part of the “foreign country” past of others that is best left alone?

In general, I would include mention of any or all particularly telling episodes in early drafts as often as I like until I had come to a clearer and more compassionate understanding of the dynamics of, for example, my parents’ relationship and could see it from a more rounded perspective. In writing, I would continue to refine my understanding of any events until I could feel, for example, the reasons for my parents’ frustrations and could glimpse more of the reasons why they found life difficult.

Certainly, their relationship has been formative in my other relationships, and of course I may say so. But any direct attribution of hardship, say, should be avoided. Compare,

~ “Aware of the tense atmosphere between my parents, I became withdrawn and unhappy”.

This may be true, but a statement of this order is likely to cause bad feeling, since we appear to attribute all or most of our unhappiness to the tension in our parents’ relationship: the old, “It’s all your fault” trap. Much better, and far more interesting, to hint at a challenging atmosphere and show all the other things with which we were directly involved that certainly would have made life difficult.  

with

~ “Becoming aware of how volatile my parents’ marriage later was, I try to make my own marriage as harmonious as possible, though it’s amazing how often I still fail in this.”

I may know my parents’ relationship had its challenges, and my parents may even have confided in me about that, but that confidence deserves to be respected.

I suspect that my advice would be, that if a person lays a hand on you, you may mention it; if we saw them lay a hand, or exchange cross words with another, perhaps a single, immediate reference to what we saw or felt will be enough. As with other forms of narrative, show, don’t tell, and resist the urge to mine for sympathy.

Thanks for listening.

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