Dissing Ability
Warning: This post is contentious and may trigger uncomfortable feelings.
In my experience, one of the first things people with disabilities talk about is – their disabilities. It’s as if not only the world at large, but we too, think first and foremost about our burdens, our blindness, our CP, our deafness, our otherness. I know I have been guilty of this. For years, as I wrote in a lead letter to ‘The Herald’ ‘…my disability became the only thing I identified about myself for decades, and a heavy burden to carry…’
But, because I now see that as dissing ability, I no longer identify with my impairment – I refuse to talk about what I can’t do, and mention that only in the most cursory terms; the letter references a period when I was in mainstream employment between 1990 and 2003 – and I notice when people with impairments mention them, and use their impairments to explain why they have no work, no ambition, no hope.
Is this social conditioning? Perverse pride? The problem is, that when we do talk about our impairments, we don’t seem especially proud. We don’t sit up straighter and beam encouragement, but avoid eye contact and shuffle a bit uncomfortably, cry or grow indignant and angry. As anyone would who is forced to talk about what they can’t do!
The disability mainstream appears (from one who is admittedly rather outside the debate on this matter) to be hampered by its insistence on degrees of disability / suffering / loss. ‘I’m more disabled than you’ implies a wheelchair user to an ambulant cerebral palsied person. A double-amputee trumps a deaf person… It is such a pity that those of us with impairments still seem to play the game of compare and contrast with each other, and to find some comfort in a kind of system of consolatory comparison. We all do this, to a greater or lesser degree. And it would be great if we could stop.
Comparisons are odious. Instead of identifying ourselves according to what we can’t do – a lamentable impossibility which, btw, government enforcers also need to take a serious look at – we should focus on our common ambitions, our friendships and how we can draw together. We are doing so, more than ever. Having leaped past that thorny introduction, ‘what’s wrong with you?’ many of us do draw support from each other. Yet despite all our good intentions, rather than learning to focus on our positive qualities – are you a great kisser with a sense of humour? – we still define ourselves by what we can’t do, and allow ourselves to be characterised with heroic language: a great tryer, really inspirational, an amazing person, wow, how fantastic….
Despite the media’s attempts to dress things up, I am heartened from watching “Employable Me” to notice that, by and large, employers, interviewers or members of the public seem a fair-minded and compassionate lot, well able to look past the old and tired narratives of ‘I can’t’ that characterise so many adults’ search for employment. Often, interviewers prompt the candidates to take a fresh look at what they do well and to leave behind the limiting beliefs and assumptions that have so far stopped them being successful.
Thanks for reading.
Please share:
January 10, 2018 @ 11:34 am
Fascinating to read such an honest comment from your viewpoint. Thanks
January 10, 2018 @ 12:30 pm
Diane, you are very kind. My cogitations simply spring from what I see and hear, and sometimes I wonder… Yes, all entirely my viewpoint, which keeps shifting too! But that’s all to the good.
January 10, 2018 @ 7:57 pm
I think our society is doing this in almost every group and it is gross. Being a victim of sexual abuse for years, I was always trumped by someone who had been raped. Daily molestation was lower than rape. While I admit that there are varying degrees, I suffered from the mindset that I should be ‘happy’ I was ‘only’ molested. In the end all of it is horrible and should be treated as so.
When I look at my friend’s daughter with DS I hope that everyone will see her for who she is in all her wonder, not simple put her on a scale of ‘more’ or ‘less’ able. We are all so much more than one thing!
I really enjoyed reading this!
January 10, 2018 @ 8:10 pm
Kate, thank you so much for visiting my blog, reading and commenting. I really appreciate that.
I used to wonder if I was being paranoid, and if I had imagined a certain dismissive attitude or a feeling that I was over-reacting. But I don’t think so, and can only put it down to this kind of comparison, which, thankfully, seems to be on the wane. We get to know people, and hopefully, as we do, we think less about their differences and more about what they are actually like.
The best thing we can do is encourage each other to do our best, and deliberately ignore references to our supposed ‘misfortune’ where they crop up. When people ask me, ‘What’s wrong with you, then?’ I reply, ‘I had a cold a while back, but I’m fine now, thank you,’ which sometimes makes them smile, sometimes sends them away in a huff! Funny world.
Take care! xx
January 17, 2018 @ 4:40 pm
I like Kate’s comments above! I can’t agree more about the way we diminish someone’s pain by pointing out someone else with ‘worse’ pain or a ‘worse’ situation. It’s a huge put-down, and not helpful at all. Not for individuals, or for communities dealing with different kinds of discrimination. Pain was never meant to trump someone else’s pain–as though there were hierarchies of pain in this world.
Having said that, I agree: being defined by one’s ‘disability’ is wrong. No one should be expected to give a little speech as though ‘it’ just walked into the room instead of a human being. I also think curiosity is a good thing, and can lead to a good laugh or friendship. Especially, I’ve observed, with children who are able to blurt out their questions without condescension.
Great post! 🙂
January 17, 2018 @ 7:31 pm
Thanks – I agree, curiosity is natural, and lovely in children. Nowadays, I notice, it is not acceptable, really, to ask of someone, ‘What’s wrong with you?’ and in most public places and roles, disclosure is entirely a matter of personal preference and not discussed or expected to be disclosed as part of information gathering (Except when claiming benefits – a terribly retrograde system!)
I remember when, as a much younger person, I was also curious about what ailed others, until I realised, that it is none of my business! Knowing too much can get to be a bad habit, I suspect.