Moving boundaries
New Year, new boundaries.
Having spent fourteen plus years looking after daughter and managing many of the small details of her life – does she need a new toothbrush? What about feminine products? – I have decided that this year, she is old enough to manage these for herself. Goodness knows, she is far cleverer than me in a whole host of ways, and she can afford to leaven her lying about our home with a few trips to the shop at the top of the road – it is, literally, at the top of our short road. And no, she does not need to be subsidised for all her trips to town. Not only do I still pay for most of her clothes – she chooses, I foot the bill – but she gets pocket cash and extra money regularly.
It’s proving more difficult than expected to wean her off the oversight I have been used to provide, and which, if I am not careful, can swing so easily into a host of small remembered details for which I am expected to assume responsibility: Has she fed her cavies today, and has she remembered to take her keys? But moving boundaries are natural and necessary.
As our child grows, my responsibility is shifting away from actual doing for her, to more of the prompting to do for herself, which in itself signals the letting go that we must all renegotiate constantly, so that when she leaves home she can manage all her own small details competently. Yes, I allow for adolescent sleeping and relaxing. I did a lot of that myself. But increasingly, I view it as my role to advise, rather than simply doing for her, again and again. Lifts to activities become weather checks and bus-fares.
I find myself deciding to cast off stuff I have usually done for hubby too. He buys his own clothes now, without any help from me: so instead of four button cuff work shirts, he mistakenly buys two dress shirts which require impractical cuff links. I could get cross, or I could simply reflect that this is a learning curve like all learning curves. Today he wore a dress shirt to work, and enjoyed doing so.
With all this delegation and consequent extra free time I create for myself, my responsibilities change too. I must do more to stay fit – swimming again, walking more, getting outside every day – and work properly, writing and producing good, enjoyable material I can be proud of. I have no more excuses for wasting time or for taking lazy short-cuts.
If this year is to mean anything, I have to follow through with my personal and professional goals, and make sure that I do my best to meet them honestly. If there are a few seismic shifts on the way, I’ll deal with them too.
Thanks for reading.
Please share:
Graham Warwick
January 12, 2018 @ 5:28 pm
Can’t comment really – never had kids, but it would seem logical to assist them in becoming responsible and independently functional at your daughter’s age provided you are the safety net she will inevitably need to a hopefully decreasing degree as she approaches majority. I guess the trick is in not making he so capable as to feel she no longer need interact with you – that would be a sad thing for you and not so healthy for her.
As for the old man, he should be big and ugly enough to look out for himself whilst sharing the good times with you on an equal basis without losing his ability to support you in troubled times as you may feel inclined to do for him. Okay, I’m off my soap box
Fran Macilvey
January 12, 2018 @ 5:42 pm
Graham – thanks so much for reading and commenting – I am pleased 🙂 you have done so. And I’m glad you used this soapbox to do so. In some ways, this post is a reminder to me not to waste time. My daughter is increasingly independent, and, as you say, hubby really doesn’t want me crowding his space; so I need to shake away the lethargy of the past which says, ‘I’m so tired with doing all this stuff for other people that I can’t be bothered to do anything for myself’ and focus on what I have been putting off for too long: getting my books finished and published, writing a play or two… all stuff that, for some reason, I find it very easy to postpone endlessly… No more excuses for me. 🙂 xx
Val
January 13, 2018 @ 10:17 pm
Good for you, Fran. It’s quite an emotional pull too, this letting go business. My daughters are in their thirties and totally self sufficient, but I still find myself wanting to help them when things get tough. Taking time out for yourself is so important though!
Fran Macilvey
January 14, 2018 @ 4:10 pm
Val, thank you so much for visiting, reading and commenting, which I really appreciate. This letting go business is emotional, and it’s no use cauterising our reactions, either, by pretending we don’t mind! We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t feel a bit topsy turvy, at times Knowing that it feels much the same for all of us is very reassuring. And there are compensations! 😉 I hope you enjoy the rest of your day. xx
Elouise
January 17, 2018 @ 4:49 pm
Bravo! It will all work out–and I love the way this gives you time to focus on your own wellbeing, your writing, your walks outdoors and all the rest. Little by little, yes. But it sounds like you’ve already drawn some lines in the sand and are good to go!
OK. It was easy to write those (true) words just now. But I do understand the seismic shift that can’t be avoided. I’ve lived it. You have my complete empathy and prayers if needed. 🙂
Fran Macilvey
January 17, 2018 @ 7:33 pm
Thank you so much – no prayers needed while I watch my darling daughter find her own way. Just a nudge now and then, to remind me not to neglect my own pathway and purposes! 🙂 I have a few deadlines that are marvellously galvanising! xxx