cerebral palsy

November 23, 2016

Fear of Failure

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Fear of Failure

On the long and winding road that is a writer’s career, one aspect that perhaps deserves a passing glance is fear of failure.

What is this thing that lurks unseen, this oddly shapen, unacknowledged and slightly shameful thing?  Fear of failure? Never heard of it….

Fear of Success, Fear of Failure, Fear of the Unknown…. Fear lurks in many guises, and stalks a lot of artistic people, a lot of business people.  Fear keeps us trapped in the things we know and have done a million times.  Fear is the loop that we know, that we often hate, and that we fear to escape from, because we have learned to be afraid of a bogeyman lurking outside, in the great, unknown.  The edge of the world beyond which there be dragons….

 

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I say, What?  Why should that space on the horizon be scary?  What did that figment of a briar bush ever do to you?  It’s just sitting there, harmlessly being a briar bush.  It ain’t going to suddenly get up and attack you, any more than you are likely to walk towards it and fall in head first.

Fear of failure reminds me of an anecdote I read in the wonderful book by Helen Fielding, ‘Cause Celeb’ which I like because it reminds me of hot places and the often weird dislocation of travel.

In it, a group of people is walking in the bush, and they come upon two Landrovers which have collided with each other, crashed in this otherwise wide-open landscape with no roads, no other people, nothing as far as the eye can see except sand, rocks and brush.  There was plenty of room for them, anywhere in the whole wide horizon, but they somehow magically, found each other and collided….

The universe is essentially a safe, fun place to be.  And we have to believe that, if we want to start, finish, edit, polish and start submitting our work.  It may take years, but it may also be the best fun, the most exciting challenge we have ever faced.

Thanks for reading.

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November 14, 2016

Be Brave

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Be brave

 

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As far as I can so far make out, the three most valuable attributes for successful writing are the willingness to be brave and honest, stamina and imagination.  We need to be authentic, and to give expression to our unique voice, as well as stamina for the road ahead, and imagination to feed our prose.

Honestly, I wonder why I write, sometimes.  It is such a labour of love and the process is akin to leaping off a cliff without a parachute.  We leap, hoping for a soft landing.  And if we are not careful and proud of what we do, we can be injured by such comments as one I received recently, ‘Oh how are the mighty fallen…!’ when I said I was now writing women’s fiction.  That comment from an intimate of my circle could have stopped me in my tracks and made me take down everything….

Then, in a cooler moment, I recall that I write because, honestly, I want to express my version of the truth.  If we take it that few truths are immutable, and that most human truths are a matter of perspective, our view opens up the reality of a gazillion different opinions and sights on every question.

I also really enjoy writing.  You know those times when you don’t really give a damn what your fingers are doing, and you’re not listening for the phone or the doorbell.  When the time seems to go by faster than you’d like, and you feel the cold holding your legs stiff but are too far away to care…?  I love that feeling of crafting something different, being away in a different world.  That feeling is worth a great deal to me.  It makes me happy to smile when daughter comes home, when hubby asks ‘did you have a good day, and I can agree wholeheartedly that yes, I did, thank you.

Thanks for reading!

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November 9, 2016

Being Self Conscious

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Being self conscious

Continuing my occasional series about the dangers and pitfalls that lurk waiting to derail of a writer’s career, here I give a passing mention to writerly self-consciousness, an aspect of creative endeavour that we often overlook.  (I don’t want to make it self-conscious by making too much of it, but it deserves a passing glance, because its effects can be far-reaching.)

Being self-conscious as a writer is absolutely fatal to the process of creation.  Like a pianist who plays all the right notes in all the right order but plays them mechanically – without a shred of emotion – the resulting material can be disappointing.  Sorry, but it’s true.

Perhaps more than most, I have reason to want to hide away from the wide world, to hide from the glare of public scrutiny the stack of apparent disappointments (okay then, ‘learning opportunities’) that, until relatively recently, appeared to make up most of my life.  Certainly, if I were overly self-conscious about my failings, I would still be sitting, stuck in that window seat over there, having writing nothing, trapped in a dark world clouded by fear and almost crippling silence.

Writing about life, happiness, progress, what it means to be happy and how to manage the tricksier aspects of sexual intimacy leaves no place to hide, and if even for a moment I gave in to embarrassment, I would probably pack everything in and take up a job as a desk clerk.  I’ve been very tempted.  But gradually, the pain and fear of exposure to ridicule dissipates and I learn to stand my ground.  As we must all do, if we have any hope of writing well.

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Writing anything, we best follow the advice of Margaret Atwood,

“The only way you can write the truth is to assume that what you set down will never be read. Not by any other person, and not even by yourself at some later date. Otherwise you begin excusing yourself. You must see the writing as emerging like a long scroll of ink from the index finger of your right hand…”

Which feels, occasionally, a bit bizarre.  There’s me, the social person called Fran who eats, sleeps and relates to others.  There’s Fran the writer who invents characters and gives them life and things to say to each other.  And here’s Fran who has to assume she has never read, seen or created anything – a process of learned ignorance which is useful when it comes to re-reading our work, but which also helps us to be clear, honest and authentic.  It’s not a guarantee – there are none! – but it helps me to write.

Thanks for reading.

 

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November 7, 2016

Is it CP or is it me

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Is it CP or is it me.

In the throes of unhappiness and pondering the lot I have been given, in my youth and for a long time after, I made the classic, youngster error of assuming that all my problems were the result of being disabled.  Not so very disabled, I asserted with a prickly self-righteousness, as to be unable to do the things they do, but enough for it to be a total, permanent pain in the ass.  That was my reasoning, and because I was such a prickly pain, no-one felt like challenging me on it.  Which gave me a perfect, permanent reason to be a bit of a grumpy-mouthed twit.

 

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But then, challenging all my assumptions, I have met and continue to meet people who are disabled, yes, and who manage – gasp! – to be pleasant, funny, helpful, amusing and stoic.  So, I reasoned, being remarkably slow to connect the dots, it can’t be disability that’s entirely the problem, here.

So is it just me?

(Please don’t all rush as one to say, ‘It’s you, it’s you, it’s all you.”)

I face the dreadful realisation, about twenty years too late (twenty? Try forty!) that if I had been a kinder and more confident individual, my life might have been a lot easier.  Of course.

This year has thrown challenges in my path, literally chucking them down.  But hey, we all have challenges to face, we all have times when we wish it would all just go away and we could float away on a peaceful boat to a sunny, warm, peaceful place and rest for a while.

Everyone faces challenges, hardship, sorrow and pain, and none of these circumstances needs to equate with suffering.  We can simply observe, allow, and accept.  When circumstances hurt, or life feels heavy, we really don’t have to become hurtful or heavy ourselves.

Equally, all of us at some time encounter prejudice, unkindness, lack of comprehension, which may well arise because of an impairment: a choice selection of insults around impairment that featured a lot in my youth, spring to mind.  But equally we can be discriminated against or bullied because we are guileless, don’t know how to play the game, because we wear the wrong brand shoes or read obscure literature …. None of these forms of discrimination is actionable, or easy to prove.

So, it must have been me, then.  If so, – and I suspect the jury will be out on this for a while yet – I hope henceforward to be resolutely cheerful.

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September 2, 2016

Motivations of a memoir author

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Motivations of a memoir author

Despite my earlier habit of obsessing a bit over ratings and reviews of my first book I no longer scan the virtual horizon looking for criticism, thank God.  I am grateful that reviewers and critics do their jobs, and I must remember where my motivations lie, and not be too much distracted.

It’s not that I don’t care.  Part of me always will.  But there is a much more significant part which knows that if even one person has been helped by what I write, then it was well to write it.  The silent minority of readers whose experiences echo mine, will not leave reviews but they may read and be relieved.

Isolation is killing.  Loneliness and depression cause unnecessary suffering and premature death.  It is far better to speak out, and say the occasional thing one might regret, than say nothing, risk nothing, and wait for life to empty itself out, while we wonder about what might have been, if only we’d had the courage to act.

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To quote from an earlier blog I posted while narrating the audio book:-

‘I have a wonderful life. I have freedom to move and the space to express my preferences.  I know that, most days, I do not do enough with that freedom, but at least I can move away from here.  I have always known that, in life, it is having options that matters most.

There are millions of people in the world who suffer in silence, who endure cruelty, exclusion and neglect, and who have no-one to speak for them: millions of children who are misdiagnosed, misunderstood, pigeonholed, forgotten and overlooked: millions of adults who can do nothing about the places they find themselves in.  As I write in my book,

“How many others with issues like mine are languishing in the shadows of institutional ignorance because their families listen politely to advice which owes more to prejudice and speculation than to hard facts or compassion?  If it wasn’t for my mother’s decision so often to disagree, to go it alone, I would be in a “home,” possibly dead, having led only a teeny little bit of a life.  No one would have known anything about me, or uncovered the thoughts lurking behind my eyes.  The smallness of my life would have remained a hidden loss, overlooked, as the lives of so many disabled adults are overlooked.”

If my book can strike a blow for freedom of conscience, self-expression, human dignity and compassion, then the small terrors I have had to endure to get here today are well worth the price.  God will give me the strength to do as I must.  And, with that faith, together we can all join and create miracles.  I do so hope you agree.’

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May 20, 2016

BookBub – Fran Macilvey – Trapped: My Life with Cerebral Palsy

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BookBub – Fran Macilvey – Trapped: My Life with Cerebral Palsy

Hello Everyone! I have some very good news to share with you today.

My first book, ‘Trapped: My Life with Cerebral Palsy‘ has now been selected for a BookBub promotion which runs until May 23.

Fran Macilvey - Trapped: My Life with Cerebral Palsy

The e-book of ‘Trapped’ is now available to buy on kindle at Amazon for only $1.99 / £1.44.  You can find it on these links for

AMAZON UK and AMAZON.COM

All reviews, comments, tweets and shares are very much appreciated.

As my regular readers will know, ‘Trapped’ is my true story, exploring the myths of ability and (Dis)Ability and exploring in candid detail how challenging it can be to live a ‘normal’ life with an impairment.  In the circumstances, it would have been so easy for me just to to give up.  Now, however, I choose to accept the varied challenges Life throws at me, and learn from them, whatever they may be.  Often darkly humorous, Trapped offers unique insights into a hidden world of compromise, heartache and absurdity.  In writing the revealing story of my life, I seek to offer hope to the thousands of readers who find it difficult to speak about their lives. I offer the truth, as I see it, so that we may all grow together towards greater freedom.

Many thanks to Skyhorse, my publishers for setting up this promotion and for keeping alive the flame of hope for me.  I first checked out the potential of a BB promotion last year, so to be in the middle of it now, is a dream come true for me.  A wonderful surprise in a challenging, beautiful season.

The paperback edition is also available to pre-order now. It is being released in the UK on 5th July and in the USA on 12th July this year. So this is a very exciting time for me!

Thank you for all your support, and for reading.

 

 

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May 17, 2016

The Dangers of writing a book like ‘Trapped’

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The dangers of writing a book like ‘Trapped’ are not always immediately obvious, though the title gives a clue or two.

The subject matter is bitter sweet, the memories sometimes painful, and the years, well, I’m glad they have passed, and yet, I sit here thinking I have really achieved very little for my fifty-plus years.  The title, ‘Trapped’ reminds me how easy it would be to do not much.  Existence is great, but to really live, we need to move forward.

Cerebral Palsy is not everyone’s idea of a fun subject to write about, yet, if I hadn’t gone through several years of agony to procure the relatively short testament that is my memoir, I would probably not be here to tell the tale.  Everyone looks on the subject matter and its complexities differently, and people’s views about self-examination vary, from a faint exasperation for one’s lack of dignity to a genuine empathy for the torture that one has to go through, in order to come out of it in one piece at the end.  The trick is to make it look easy, of course.

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But….there are pitfalls.  Like a big, affectionate Labrador that threatens to squash the life out of you by lying on top of you, ‘pity lit’ can swallow you whole if you let it.  Obsession with one’s past is damaging and counter-productive.  In countless ways, I am not the girl I was, and have had to force myself to learn from the lessons from ‘Trapped’ so that I might engineer a loving, productive and enjoyable life. Most of the time, I know this, and am grateful. Yet, there is no doubt that in other ways, I am still the girl I was.

Accepting the past in all its mixed-up glory, while moving forward, is the main purpose of writing sad stories: not to wallow, cast one’s mind back and regret, but to learn, persevere and change.  In finding a way between I AM and I WISH I WAS, the trick, as it has always been, is to keep one’s balance.  And with CP that isn’t the easiest challenge on the books.

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February 1, 2016

SNP Members’ Conference, Glasgow

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SNP Members’ Conference, Glasgow

Rose - New Day

When we woke early on Saturday morning and found two inches of snow blanketing our cars, I was very tempted to close the curtains and go back to bed. But daughter was excited about throwing snowballs – and it was exactly the right kind of packing snow – and hubby and I had a trip to Glasgow to undertake.

Thankfully the snow plows had been busy, and we made it to Glasgow only slightly later than planned – I felt a bit like James Bond, being parachuted into the lobby of the hotel, just in time to co-present an ice-breaker session with Michael McEwan. I needn’t have worried, as Conference got off to a relaxed start which helped us all to feel very much at home and among friends.

Michael enjoys improvising, whereas I am a more literal girl. I prefer to have some kind of script for workshops, which I learn and can then depart from as need be. I really enjoyed Michael’s humour and we make a great team. My husband – bless him – cheered for us both.

Thank you to the organisers, speakers and the other delegates for a wonderful day. It has been my pleasure these last few weeks to work with Jamie Szymkowiak and Michael McEwan to plan our session. Thanks to everyone involved, and to our brilliant speakers, for a fantastic day, and the opportunity to meet so many like-minded folk and discuss the issues that affect us all.

This morning I woke to a wonderful surprise, a letter by yours truly published in ‘The Herald’

 

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January 13, 2016

SNP Disabled Members Conference, Glasgow, 30th January 2016

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SNP Disabled Members Conference, Glasgow, 30th January 2016.

On 30th January, I am attending the first ever SNP Conference for party members with disabilities, which is being held at the Crowne Plaza, Glasgow. I’m so pleased to see the SNP taking the lead on this, and I sincerely hope all the other Parties sit up and take notice. I am going with my wonderful husband, (who is a member of many years standing, unlike his green-stick wife); and I am so excited to be spending the day with him in such a setting, knowing that he has faithfully supported and successfully advocated for the rights of disabled people for many years.

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I am co-presenting a warm-up session with the wonderful Michael McEwan, journalist extraordinaire.

I’m looking forward to a fantastic day, meeting friends, campaigners and decision-makers from all walks of life and parts of the country. I am very grateful to the organisers, in particular Jamie Szykoviak and Peter Murrell for offering such a valuable opportunity to us all.

There are a few places available, if you would like to attend what promises to be a wonderful day. You can find more information about the day at this link

 

 

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November 5, 2015

Carol Graham interviews Fran Macilvey

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Carol Graham interviews Fran Macilvey

Carol Graham

This evening, I received word that my guest radio appearance on Carol Graham’s Radio Show, ‘Never Ever Give Up Hope’ has gone live.  I am so excited to share it with you here.  You can also find it on Apple i-tunes and catch it as a Stitcher podcast.  Carol is a seasoned radio talk show host, who, having overcome her own hurdles and adversities (which she writes about in her book ‘Battered Hope’) now hosts her own radio show in which she showcases stories and life experiences of people who have overcome challenges, to find new meaning and purpose in their lives.

I am so honoured to feature, and to be part of Carol’s success story.  Carol’s questions are engaging and perceptive, and she knows how to make interviews relaxing and such great fun.  It is also because of Carol’s interest in my story that I have finally discovered Skype, acquired a headset and am developing the delightful habit of listening to fab music as I work, which is both enjoyable and energising.

Carol is a great friend to me, and I hope you will all share, enjoy, review and rate these downloads, and invite your friends to do likewise.

Thanks for reading.

Fran Macilvey

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