Casting off
In scenes of family life, I see myself surrounded by strong people. My parents and siblings seem, most of the time, to have cherished many opinions, and I would be the first to say that I have learned to listen. I am a good listener.
Recently in the post-office, I found myself studying the cards and notelets on sale, glancing up at the outsize posters on the walls and wondering which ones I actually liked. Which in fact, were to my taste? And I struggled to answer. Because in my birth family I have so often been cast as ‘the youngest’ and one most in need of help and advice, my opinions have been muted so that even now, I struggle to know which of the many things I do, I do because they are my choice. Which of the many things I possess, do I hold because I choose to?
I struggle to know what I enjoy and what my tastes are. And when I know, I still find it hard to honour them: Wonderful walk on a sunny day, lovely meal, beautiful painting? Maybe later…
So often my choices have been coloured by wondering, “Would s/he like that? Would s/he approve? What would s/he do?” I discover, in late middle age, that learning to choose and decide for oneself, is something that most adolescents get through. As my own daughter nears the end of her teenage years, I marvel that she is already making the kinds of choices I still struggle with, navigating the world as I might have hoped to, had I been less cowed, less in awe of others’ certainty.
Yet, my age and experience confer at least a superficial dignity and the assumption that I know what I am doing. As I refine the processes of casting off from old family influences, I find I must go slowly and work in a new way to reach decisions, knowing that others besides me will have to live with their consequences.
The past, they say, is a foreign country, they do things differently there. And, life, as they say, is a work in progress.
I hope I am making progress.
Thanks for reading.
Please share:
May 14, 2022 @ 10:17 pm
Ah, Fran, I think that’s the lot of being the youngest in the family. I suffer the same self-doubt and the constant aim to please everyone else, believing that if they are happy, I will be too. Being a WIP, well, that sounds like a good idea!
May 15, 2022 @ 12:46 pm
Dear Val, thank you so much for checking in, reading these posts and commenting. I’m so thankful you take the time to do so.
It’s often the same message, either obscured or illuminated by different contexts, isn’t it? “Life is what you make of it,” “Honour your personal preferences, they are trying to tell you something…” but each time, revealing aspects of our past a little differently. Will I ever feel as if I have finally arrived, or is that an illusion? Only time will tell..
I hope you are enjoying a restful Sunday.