When I let go
When I let go of all the needs, wants, plans and expectations, one thing remains still to be acknowledged and resolved. In all this “working for myself” gig, there has been – there is – one obsession that pushes at me, and that at the same time almost guarantees that I shall either feel unhappy or as if I have failed.
It is the feeling – the belief – that there is something that I should or could be doing that I am not doing. Some path that I have not walked, some obvious answer I have not found, some way forward that I have overlooked. Only glimpsed until now, this is the belief that makes me anxious or fretful: that I have been given a job to do in which I am failing.

I can notice where this fear comes from – perfectionism, the fear of not being good enough, and also of trying to keep up with others. To give an example, “they” might go to a book fair for three days of networking and mutual back slapping as they meet, walk and talk up and down the escalators. I assume I want to do that too, not for the anxious busyness or the caffeine drive, but for the sense of belonging. That old feeling of yearning transmutes into a feeling that, if I really wanted something enough, I could work for it. So, if I don’t get what I dream for, that’s because I’m slow, lazy, not good enough…
And then I remember that Life – which has brought me this far and which continues to care for me – will, in its way, bring me naturally to what comes next. I can – ok, I must – stop running to catch up. I can invite what comes next by being first peaceful, and then by choosing a path – any path – and walking it.
Finally, I remember that it matters little which path I choose. Like the plastic duck that never drowns and that travels thousands of miles without trying, life still has a way of righting itself, as long as I can stay optimistic and happy.
Thanks for listening.
Please share:
November 11, 2019 @ 11:06 am
beating ourselves up does come I think with the gender in many ways. I think you should try and congratulate yourself on how far you have come – look forward hopefully to how far you still have to go and relax. Yes, I know that’s easy to say and I can’t manage it myself!! 🙂
November 11, 2019 @ 12:55 pm
Hello Diane,
Thanks for popping in to read and comment. I do so appreciate your advice. If we are doing the best we can, now, what else can we do? At some point we have to let go of all the imponderables. That sounds glib, but when we’ve come so far, what else matters as much as being contented? Of course we are hard on ourselves, and in some ways, that can act as a spur to action. But being pleased and grateful with how far we have come does seem like the best idea.
Bless you! 🙂
November 12, 2019 @ 3:00 am
Your last 2 posts seem very insightful to me.
I loved the plastic duck analogy😎!
Thanks,
Rick
November 12, 2019 @ 1:06 pm
Dear Rick
I have been thinking of you and all the family so much lately. I loved the photos of Lisa’s 70th party! Thanks for popping in, for reading and commenting. It means a lot to me. And I’m glad if what I write resonates with you. Take care!
Fran XOX
November 12, 2019 @ 10:29 pm
Yes, I liked the plastic duck as well. And I do understand. I have been a teacher for most of my life and I am still convinced I accomplished a lot less that I could have – if wasn’t as lazy, as easily distracted and so inclined to give in to other people’s ideas rather than to stand firmly upon my own.
November 13, 2019 @ 11:07 am
Hi John! Thank you so much for visiting! :-)) If only I could remember that we all have challenges, and that the most important part of them is to find enjoyment in what we are doing now. Reconciling the “What we wish for” with the “What we have achieved so far” and being content with our progress. Perhaps we could have a “Progress Forum” in which we share our success stories, and remind each other of how far we have come. ((xxx))
November 12, 2019 @ 10:32 pm
Hi, Fran.
I so relate to this–even though our situations are different. I think retirement, plus unplanned health issues, caused more than a bit of consternation in me. Whatever I was, I’m not now. And whatever I do now, it’s to serve the now, not the then of my life. Yes, sometimes I still grieve the losses. Though to be honest, my ‘career’ didn’t allow for much partying or travel here and there–except as needed because of my job. In which perfectionism was rewarded and punished, all at the same time (I now understand). I love your last two paragraphs–especially the image of that little plastic duck bobbing along!
Hugs and smiles! 🙂
Elouise
November 13, 2019 @ 11:12 am
Hi Elouise, it’s wonderful to hear from you. ♥ Do you suppose much of our consternation and worry comes from our not seeing the truth reason, or the worth, of what we do? If we could somehow take a higher view of it all, we might be able to sigh with relief and say, “Ah, NOW I understand why I have this problem, why I had to do that…” and so on. It seems to me that having trust in a process that is bigger than ourselves is, in the absense of more concrete data, one of the most, if not the most important aspect of living happily with our choices. A writer has the same angst for his characters, too, I suppose, since the blank canvas of possibility is so broad as to be intimidating. Did we make the right choices? God only knows… 🙂 Bless you.