Lately I’ve wanted – despite the joy of being at the Book Fair – to throw in the towel on my writing. To say, “I gave it my best shot, and I’ve had enough.” But what stops me is the realisation that this is one field of endeavour that I can honestly call my own.
True, it owes its genesis to the generosity and encouragement of others, in particular, my husband. But having cultivated this particular creative garden, it has taken root and is well established. So I don’t feel justified in pulling it all out and leaving behind bare earth. And if I did, how would I spend the time that not writing would free up? Would I have the courage to do what I want, or would I expend even more of my efforts in helping others?
I realise my cogitations make me sound very selfish. I’ve just had four days away from home, exploring to my heart’s content. But doing that, I have been able to notice how lopsided my ‘ordinary’ life has become, how joyless; and just how much of my effort has been invested for others. I say, automatically, “I don’t mind,” but actually, I mind very much. And however often I may assume it doesn’t matter, clearly my body has other ideas: I am forced to recon with my giving tendencies when I am sore, exhausted and depressed.
I suppose I have to be more honest about what I would like to do. But I’m not used to it, not really. Hubby says, “Go out and have fun…!” which for him might be easy to decide and do. Whereas I sit quietly wondering what that might entail, pondering what fun might be. Going to the cinema? Not very active. Going shopping? Yes, but that’s a consumerist effort. Reading a book? I recon I’ve done enough of that for a while. Watching television? No, I want to get outside. Go for a walk? Yes, somewhere nice, maybe… I would love to go for a walk, at my pace, in a wooded place, where I don’t have to fret that I’m late, or in the way, but can enjoy great lungfuls of cool, fresh air.
Please share:
March 21, 2019 @ 11:59 am
I think we all have times when we question the wisdom of continuing to write – BUT – it is a real possession. Have you thought of doing a JK Rowling and several others and doing it in a nice coffee shop, or in the park in the warm weather. When we go camping I always take my laptop and really enjoy writing in the open. An added advantage is that there is no wi-fi so no distractions from the internet. You have, as far as we know, one go at this – do the things that make you happy. Your lovely husband is right.
March 21, 2019 @ 12:10 pm
Oh Diane, your wonderful comments bring tears to my eyes. I have started writing long-hand again, because that, as you say, is less vulnerable to distraction, and leaves the kind of permanent mark that makes it harder to ignore. As soon as the sun is warm enough, I shall write outside. Thanks for that reminder!! Yes, he is right, isn’t he, so I must continue to do my best. Bless you! 😀 😀
March 21, 2019 @ 5:24 pm
Don’t give up Fran! I enjoy reading your blog, even though I never comment, I am reading. You enjoy writing, you are an excellent writer, so why not carry on…. All the best to you Fran, xx
March 21, 2019 @ 6:17 pm
Dearest Karen
Hello! Since I pondered this post, I have got some of my mojo back, so I will keep writing. It’s not knowing where to go with it that is most difficult, but I have a couple of ideas which I am now following up. The best thing about the LBF was being with people who share our enthusiasms, and coming away with a few ideas about what to do next. That I have, and the rest, I leave up to Spirit. Take care, lovely friend. ((xxx))