The speed at which I work
Recent events have been a painful reminder to me that I’m not being entirely honest when I say that “I’m fine, I can manage.” It appears to me now, that the speed at which I work is not what others – nor what I – suppose it to be.
Yes, I can manage, and I do. But the effort of managing takes its toll, as does the effort to maintain the appearance of being able to do what others do, at their speed, and with the insouciance that seems almost universally expected: just because they understand what they are talking about and always work at the run, does not mean that I do, or can.
Recently my mother was discharged from hospital – again. Only this time it seems to have been done in a hurry. Perhaps that is down to my mother’s own very clearly expressed misery at once again being in hospital, and her doubtless acute desire to get home as soon as possible. But the end result has been, that when the physio, the staff nurse, the OT, the carers or the GP surgery manage to contact me, I’m expected to leap up, agree with their requests and do what I’m told immediately. “Go here, fetch that, yes, now.”
And I have no objection, in principle, to this. I’m glad to know what I can, or need to do, to help matters to settle satisfactorily. But whereas a walk round to my mother’s would, for an Anita or a Bob be a matter of cheerful moments to be leapt into and thereafter instantly forgotten on the way to the next thing, for me it requires at least a half hour of thought and action, the interruption of my hastily cobbled together sandwich, and a traipse through the complex morass of my emotions to achieve a fresh accommodation with my other priorities.
Does having to meet the taxi driver who is bringing my mother’s medications from the hospital mean I won’t get any lunch? Will yet another trip to my mother’s front door – the third in a busy morning – mean that I can’t go with my daughter to do what we had previously planned? After well-nigh four years of leaping and sorting and late-night emergency dashes in the car, what’s the best way to do this next thing quickly?
(to be continued)
Please share:
August 30, 2021 @ 12:21 pm
It is horrible for you having to juggle so much. I do hope that you are thinking of asking for some help before you burn out. Maybe you need to learn to say – ‘well I can’t do that right now’. Sorry this is probably stuff you have already considered but I hate that you are having such a struggle. xx
August 30, 2021 @ 10:20 pm
Thank you, Diane. I do appreciate your concern. I know you’ve had your own battles, and that you speak from the heart.
It turns out, I have used this latest batch of blogs to organise my thoughts; and in the next post, I do indeed conclude that I will manage what I can, and allow the rest either to remain undone, or be completed by others. I’m learning to stand back and allow things to happen without me – Mum has carers coming in every day – and not worry if a thing is not done. Which won’t be for want of trying.
It has taken me this long to reach the obvious conclusion that nothing in the world is worth being so unhappy or stressed about. Sometimes, it takes a minor crisis to make us realise how lucky we are, and that we need to set very firm boundaries if we are to have the life we truly deserve to enjoy. Setting boundaries is actually very liberating, and I notice that Mum pays closer attention and argues less when I do that, so it’s all very beneficial.
Bless you! Friends like you are worth a million hugs.
Fran xxx