Reactions to my books have been and continue to be overwhelmingly supportive. I am very touched that my story has reached so many readers, some of whom have contacted me with messages of love and support and to share their own stories.
I’m glad if my experiences can help to inform and console: in navigating our way through life, I find there are few more toxic experiences than being lonely.
Many whom I would count as good friends express surprise, saying, I had no idea. They are astonished that so much can have happened of which they have been unaware, though of course, since I have been introverted, depressed and solitary for so many years, it is unsurprising to me that, until now, the best way I knew to maintain my dignity was with silence: I’m less ashamed of how things were then, and can talk about them. And my shame has a different quality – less, how embarrassing; more how could I tolerate that? which makes me want to advocate, not hide.
Which must be one reason why I started writing. I feared being swallowed up completely by my tendency to silence. So I gave up the unequal struggle to hold it all in, knowing, even as I wrote, that eventually, when I had smoothed it out a bit and found a way to come to terms, I would go public, despite an intense desire to chuck it all in and run away: my reactions to my books are still mixed.
I still think it matters to maintain peaceful dignity. But often that is a way of staying away from the helping arms that others willingly extend towards us. We do need to show our weaknesses, our frailty, and allow others to understand. I’m sorry that, for so long, I have been unable to share intimacies, or to trust that the reactions of friends and family would be supportive. I regret the missed opportunities to share more fully, because, at the very least, sharing would have helped me to notice that we all have stuff to deal with, we all struggle and suffer together in this melting pot called “Life”. Seeing that more clearly would have given me the courage to make more mistakes, be more outspoken, to take more risks so that I might move more freely and enjoy life more.
Thanks for listening.
Please share:
May 22, 2019 @ 3:44 pm
We all have to come to things in the right time I believe and you found your strength when you were able to exploit it, it seems to me. Well done for using your strength and not squandering the gift.
May 22, 2019 @ 4:00 pm
Thank you, Diane. Yes, I had to wait for the right time to start, and once I did that, all the rest more or less followed. I had a lot to prove, as it turned out, and a lot that I had to learn to do. Almost as if reading books for forty years had put back my social progress. Oh, I did squander a great deal of time – and some real opportunities – to my petty addictions, though. Glad I’m done with those! ((xx))
May 24, 2019 @ 9:28 pm
This is a lovely piece/peace! I often feel as though I’m finally ready to live my life. On the other hand, all those missteps helped me get to this point, more or less in one piece. 😊💜💕
May 25, 2019 @ 11:12 am
Hello Elouise, Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment. It’s lovely to share your thoughts. It’s so very easy for me to expend my time and thoughts on worrying, and on thinking about what other people need. Sometimes, when I take a break from that, I can see more clearly what I would prefer to do. To write, certainly, but also to do things that lie often untended: buy and wear nice clothes, have a haircut, spring clean the house, get the air cleared. Go for a slow walk in the sunshine. None of these is big things, but doing them my way is very satisfying. 🙂 xxx