Questions from a reviewer of Trapped.
Lilo very kindly read and reviewed Trapped and in her review she asks these questions. Please accept my sincere apologies for my delay in answering you, Lilo.
Fran, please tell my how I should act when, next time, I come across someone with a disability.
Don’t tell me to just say, “hi”, as I normally don’t say, “hi” to strangers. So this wouldn’t be natural behavior.—Should I smile? Yet couldn’t it be that the person takes my smile for charity?
And how should I act when I meet a disabled person at a social gathering? There it would be normal to say, “hi”, yet at what point, if at all, should I mention the disability, and what can I say that’s neither hurtful, nor annoying, nor tactless?
HELP!
The first thing I would say is that there is a danger, when we meet someone with a disability – or anyone whom we might consider ‘disadvantaged’ – that we complicate matters too much. Our anticipation of problems, and of judgement can have us thinking around in circles and tying ourselves in knots before we’ve even said or done anything, which is not a comfortable place to be.
It is normal, when we pass someone on a quiet avenue, to greet them, to say, ‘hello’, smile politely, ‘doff one’s cap’ and walk on. Some societies expect greetings between strangers. Then, a standard response, something like, ‘’jour ’sieur’ is merely a tactful acknowledgement that a person we are passing, exists. It grounds one in being, to be acknowledged. Such small pleasantries can make all the difference between having a horrible day and a good one, especially for one who is habitually cast as ‘disadvantaged’.
If we are simultaneously worrying that (a) we wouldn’t normally greet people, or (b) that our greetee might be offended, we are probably giving a passing moment too much thought. If we don’t normally greet people, perhaps now is our chance. Maybe we have a new opportunity to step up, and challenge ourselves to do something different. (Doing something differently doesn’t make us any less sincere or genuine.)
Since reading that the worst thing about being homeless is the way that some people walk past, their eyes raised aloft and fixed in the middle distance, as if there is no homeless person sitting near them on the sidewalk, I make eye contact and say Hello, even if I don’t have a couple of coins to offer.
Anyone who thinks that a simple greeting is an act of charity needs to get out more, imvho. In any case, it’s not what you do, but the way that you do it….
To be continued. Thanks for reading.
Please share:
May 12, 2016 @ 11:44 am
You do address a very spiny little subject here with your usual honesty and common sense Fran and I hope it doesn’t upset and embarrass you if I say that since knowing you I have found that my interaction with people who have obvious physical challenges has been much more straight forward and I smile the way that I would with anyone and unless they appear to be in need of assistance I move along and let them get on with their day.
May 12, 2016 @ 12:20 pm
Thank you so much, Diane. I know I have benefited hugely from knowing you, in so many ways.
There is always the possibility that a person will turn out to be ungrateful for our help, but that likelihood applies as much to the usual bod in the street as to anyone with particular or obvious challenges. 🙂
May 12, 2016 @ 10:20 pm
Thank you, Fran, for another useful and heartfelt post.
May 12, 2016 @ 11:28 pm
Thank you so much, Claire, for visiting and commenting. I appreciate every single idea and encouragement you have given me, and I’m glad if anything I write is useful. All the best!
May 16, 2016 @ 11:16 pm
Hi Fran,
With me, greeting anyone is a reflex action, whatever their physical appearance, age or gender. A smile or nod usually gets one in return, sometimes with the subtle raising of an eyebrow with no words needed.
Tam.
May 17, 2016 @ 9:21 am
Yes indeed, Tom, thanks for your comment. The mechanisms of friendly exchange are straightforward, but our self-consciousness or fear of being judged often get in the way. 🙂
May 17, 2016 @ 3:46 pm
Of course you are right and I can think of one occasion in the past where my innocent reaction to a group of revelers was probably ill advised. I was twenty years old at the time working as a clippie on the Edinburgh City buses. My last journey of the evening was on the late bus heading for the bottom of Leith Walk and there was a group of rough looking passengers rather worse for wear and smelling strongly of drink. They began to stamp their feet and sing several verses of the “Sash”. When one of their number stood at the door ready to alight from the bus and saw me smiling, he said, “What the F**k are you laughing at”?
At that time I was unaware of the sectarian nature of that joyless little ditty.