If I can’t say no
I have a hard time saying no. I don’t want to disappoint people, so I make myself unhappy. Right? Wrong!
Reading books I don’t like, for example, that’s a big one. But honestly, how hard can it be? Read the book, post a review – or not – and that’s that. Except that it takes another several hours out of life – my life – reading another book I don’t especially want to. And it’s become another bad habit.
I’m not a book reviewer, though of course I delight in reviewing books I love. I would want to do that in any case, knowing how much I welcome reviews from supportive readers. (I welcome reviews from unsupportive readers too, but that is another story.) And generally, though I welcome reviews, I very rarely solicit them, as I feel that a book out in the public fends for itself, by and large.
But, partly because of my intensive stint of work on Authonomy, I’ve had to relearn how to read books for sheer pleasure, separating editing and critique from what I am reading for enjoyment, as far as I can. A process which has taken a few years – far longer than I expected it to.
So, of course, I should say NO to books that I don’t want to read, without having to list the reasons why not, or justify my choice to myself. Since the reasons are only for me and my conscience…
After all the hard work and the heartache to reach this day, if I can’t say No to what I don’t want, what has been the point of all my previous introspection and soul-searching? Saying No is absolutely key to getting around, finally, to doing what I want to do. Which, since it take effort and time, I deserve to prioritise.
It is not a mistake or a failure to lay aside a job that makes me feel heavy. It is, in fact, the way in which to make a happier, more soothing life, in which I find myself being kinder to myself and other people too. What’s not to like?
Please share:
April 1, 2019 @ 11:38 am
Oh my word Fran you have spoken my thoughts exactly.
April 1, 2019 @ 12:03 pm
Dear Diane,
You are very kind, thank you! 🙂 It is a minor form of insanity to continue doing things we dislike. Not only does it make us unhappy, but our unhappiness spreads to others.. which is not something we should ever wish for. Why – oh, why? – do we resist being happy? I’ll work it out one day. xxx
April 1, 2019 @ 12:04 pm
I recently did exactly what you have addressed here and oh boy it made me cranky. My hour of reading at night when everyone is in bed is a precious thing to me and to not look forward to it spoils the whole day.
April 1, 2019 @ 1:01 pm
Yet no-one is going to come along and say, “OY! You promised me a review…!” (And if they did, why would we oblige?) Far better to fill our shelves – and the bedside table, especially – with books we can look forward to. To make ourselves unhappy is … not right. So saying, I fully intend to only read – and keep! – books I love. :-)) Bless you! xx
April 1, 2019 @ 9:07 pm
Makes complete sense, Fran, yet is so hard to do at time. 🙂
April 2, 2019 @ 3:28 pm
Yes, caught on the spur between wanting to be helpful and using our time wisely, it can be hard to pause and say, “Wait a minute, is this something I want to do?” It does get a bit easier with practice, though. Thanks for popping in to comment. 🙂 xx
April 2, 2019 @ 7:39 pm
Fran, just don’t tell people you have their books. Then you can decide whether you want to keep reading them or not. I do that now. I only tell them when Ive both enjoyed and finished the book. We all have different tastes so not liking someone’s book doesn’t make it bad…it’s just not your taste! And you have another out if you still feel guilty. Amazon are being so arbitrary about reviews I write them but never know which ones will be posted and which ones won’t.
April 2, 2019 @ 8:18 pm
Hi Val! 🙂 Thanks for popping by to comment. I quite often buy books, fully intending to review them. That I don’t manage to do so, is mitigated by my having at least bought the book. Indeed, I have come to realise that we all have such different tastes in reading, which is just as well, isn’t it? Reviews are a tricky subject, indeed. I try never to feel guilty, but aim instead to be in humming along happy.
May 3, 2019 @ 4:22 pm
I have to confess: I laughed and groaned (with recognition) my way through this wonderful post! One of the gifts of older age is being able to say I don’t have time for that anymore! Too bad it took older age for me to get there….and I’m still looking at piles I would ‘like’ to read ‘someday’ and know perfectly well I will never never do! So count me in as one of your cheerleaders on this…and female companions in the not-really-fine-art of saying NO! Which is to say YES! to myself. 🙂
Love and hugs galore for standing up for YOURSELF! I also found Val’s comment about not telling people you’ve purchased their books very helpful for me.
May 3, 2019 @ 5:44 pm
That’s so wonderful, Elouise, thank you! And thank you for your posts, which give me much to reflect on, often long after I’ve read them. I read somewhere something along the lines of “Betrayal of the self in order to please another is not merely a betrayal. It is the highest betrayal…” which has stuck with me, even though I find it challenging to recall at those crucial moments when someone looks kindly at me and asks a favour. I often oblige, but these days, I make a point of remembering to enjoy it.
I’m sorry that lately your posts do not come up on my reader. Not sure why, but I will pop in to read your posts. 🙂 xxx