Happiness Matters

January 21, 2018

Reading while writing

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Reading while writing

 

Few pastimes give me greater pleasure, these days, than leaving wonderful reviews for books that I have discovered that are – wonderful. Well written, funny, intriguing, satisfying, well plotted, thoughtful… we have a hundred adjectives to describe why we like books. I have a few reads and reviews to catch up on.

So I guess I do read while writing, but not always, and definitely not at the same time – even with my super-light e reader, I don’t have enough fingers. Perhaps it also depends somewhat on what genre I’m writing in.

Narrative non-fiction is challenging on so many levels – make it read like fiction, but true, up to a point of view, and don’t tread on anyone’s toes – that I recall long periods of not reading while I was writing Trapped. I was too caught up in my parallel world to continuously make the transition to other parallel worlds, so I kept those others at bay for a while. There was also a lot of emotional stuff to process, so it would have been hard to read anything except books that could matter in the same way – and I didn’t need any more of that.

But while writing Happiness Matters

 

I certainly did read other books, for the change of scene, for light relief and for a pool of ideas to help me refine the text of what I was writing. In any case, my writing rate is relatively slow: I might write two books over the course of three years, and not in strictly chronological order, either, so reading has been vital to keep my impetus going, and to give me space to reflect and escapist time off.

Writing fiction is another whole pond to swim about it, and, on the whole, I enjoy reading books – at bed-time, first thing in the morning – that help me to compare my work. I used to find this very hard to do. Comparisons were never far away, and my insecurities would run riot; but these days, I simply rejoice to find a new author, or a new book that I can enjoy.

Thanks for reading!

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January 12, 2018

Moving Boundaries

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Moving boundaries

New Year, new boundaries.

Having spent fourteen plus years looking after daughter and managing many of the small details of her life – does she need a new toothbrush? What about feminine products? – I have decided that this year, she is old enough to manage these for herself. Goodness knows, she is far cleverer than me in a whole host of ways, and she can afford to leaven her lying about our home with a few trips to the shop at the top of the road – it is, literally, at the top of our short road. And no, she does not need to be subsidised for all her trips to town. Not only do I still pay for most of her clothes – she chooses, I foot the bill – but she gets pocket cash and extra money regularly.

It’s proving more difficult than expected to wean her off the oversight I have been used to provide, and which, if I am not careful, can swing so easily into a host of small remembered details for which I am expected to assume responsibility: Has she fed her cavies today, and has she remembered to take her keys? But moving boundaries are natural and necessary.

As our child grows, my responsibility is shifting away from actual doing for her, to more of the prompting to do for herself, which in itself signals the letting go that we must all renegotiate constantly, so that when she leaves home she can manage all her own small details competently. Yes, I allow for adolescent sleeping and relaxing. I did a lot of that myself. But increasingly, I view it as my role to advise, rather than simply doing for her, again and again. Lifts to activities become weather checks and bus-fares.

I find myself deciding to cast off stuff I have usually done for hubby too. He buys his own clothes now, without any help from me: so instead of four button cuff work shirts, he mistakenly buys two dress shirts which require impractical cuff links. I could get cross, or I could simply reflect that this is a learning curve like all learning curves. Today he wore a dress shirt to work, and enjoyed doing so.

With all this delegation and consequent extra free time I create for myself, my responsibilities change too. I must do more to stay fit – swimming again, walking more, getting outside every day – and work properly, writing and producing good, enjoyable material I can be proud of. I have no more excuses for wasting time or for taking lazy short-cuts.

If this year is to mean anything, I have to follow through with my personal and professional goals, and make sure that I do my best to meet them honestly. If there are a few seismic shifts on the way, I’ll deal with them too.

Thanks for reading.

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January 4, 2018

Watching Employable Me

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Watching Employable Me

I admit to a moment’s trepidation when deciding to watch the latest series of this programme. (And I’m not sure I appreciate the BBC’s tag line, ‘Britain’s most extraordinary job seekers’  but more about that later.)

I found it, though, really enjoyable and refreshing, and not in ways I expected it to. I was dreading feeling the same dead and depressing feelings that I felt while I was working – and looking for work. And it occurs to me – so late in the day! – that since I was so very unhappy for most of my legal career, the obvious answer would have been to go and do something else! Yet so many of us in work are unhappy, or have periods of deep frustration. These are burdens we each have to work through. I did eventually leave my conventional office job, and I could not go back to that now, but the obvious point is, if a thing makes us feel suicidal, we should step away from it.

I like the format of this series, though I couldn’t help wishing, just occasionally, that the mentors who had been employed to motivate our candidates were not all able bodied, swish and slim. Surely the most inspiring message would come from a fully and happily employed person with impairments? Never mind. Perhaps that is a teething problem and the BBC will employ me to inspire others… Dream on, Fran.

Watching this programme, one statement, ‘There is a difference being born with a disability because you don’t know any better…but having 21 years of being able to walk and then having that taken away from you is horrible…’ rather stuck in my craw. Though I wouldn’t say it upset me, there was a time when I would have thrown something at the telly, and regrettably, it is the kind of rather careless disability elitism that dogs the disability movement. More of which later.

It is simply false that persons with birth-related impairments can’t know what we haven’t had. I did, and I do, and it still upsets me occasionally. I will always hate country dancing. And love it.

Thanks for reading.

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December 29, 2017

Hope for the future

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Hope for the future

Enjoying a convivial meal with my family – my mother, my sister and her family, as well as hubby and daughter – I happened to ask cousin Frederick, “Who said, ‘plan your work, every day, then work your plan’?” He looked suitably enquiring – how generous of him– as I answered, “Margaret Thatcher!” hoping he might look suitably interested.

I am not by nature a conservative, but I do believe in offering credit where it is due, and as an author who should spend more time writing, I thought that what Margaret said was rather apposite to my situation. But Frederick is not only creative, he’s perceptive too. He answered, “But what about inspiration?” entirely clear that without inspiration, nothing is really going to work out, is it? Hard graft answers creativity, but is not the spark that lights the fire.

Truly, that truth had escaped me; and I doffed my cap – metaphorically, there wasn’t room at the table for anything grander – and thanked him for his insight. We need inspiration and we need to watch and honour those creative impulses, without which hard work becomes an empty sort of gesture.

I hope that the new year brings us all gifts and challenges that enrich our lives. Seeing the intelligence and wit or my daughter and her cousins, in awe of the progress my mother makes as she adjusts to her new normality, I am reminded, again, that we don’t need to worry about other people, so much as understand and realise the potential that we hold within ourselves to make a difference. Even a small step forward is better than none.

I wish you all the best for 2018. I shall be working hard, and have already made some ambitious plans, including visiting the London Book Fair in April, and Frankfurt Buchmesse in October. I might say I have been inspired to make these visits and in the meantime, I shall be putting in the hard work to get the best out of both events.

In love and peace.

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December 21, 2017

Asking or deciding?

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Asking or deciding?

If we want something, it is great to ask for it, politely, then wait and see what happens, resisting the urge to argue ourselves out of the things we choose. Ask, then wait and see. I find this works for me in all sorts of situations: parking spaces, turning right at a junction, remembering what I need when I’m shopping. It works in bigger ways too.

The problem arises when, if we are not careful, our request becomes a beg, hedged round with either dependency or expectation on others, neither of which is very helpful: ‘Oh, pleeeease bring me this man, house, job, of my dreams. I’ve been waiting for aaages…’ Or else, our request sounds like a shopping list: ‘I’d like Santa to bring me a new job, a new car and a million quid.’ Yeah, sure, okay. Anything else? We can ask, and Life responds not only to our request, but to our tone of voice. So I enjoy asking cheerfully, with hope. At this time of year, that also feels cheerfully festive.

We can also decide; which is subtly different from asking – though both go hand in hand. I may decide, for example, that (I’m going to stop worrying or complaining and that) I do have a wonderful, lovely life: that I enjoy my home, I adore all my family and all is well with the world. I can decide I have all the energy, motivation, inspiration – and blog posts! – to do what I have to do, to keep moving forward and finally accomplish my goals. These may keep moving too, but that’s okay, as long as I check in occasionally and make sure that my choices are up to date.

When I decide, I am more in control of what happens, morphing very quickly from the deckhand to the captain of my own ship. Which is as it should be. I can’t know what anyone else truly wants, but I can know how I feel, what I would like to do, and what floats my boat.

Thanks for reading, and have a very warm and joyful Christmas and New Year.

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October 30, 2017

Memoir writing for starters

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Memoir writing for starters

(The title of this blog post is tongue-in-cheek. We all have to begin somewhere.)

How we write memoir depends hugely on why we are writing. But assuming we have sorted through our motivations and decided to go ahead, there are a few more practical tips that might help to get our particular story written.

~Write someone else’s story first. You don’t need to write ‘the truth’ or anything like it. You don’t need a book length endeavour either: A couple of good anecdotes with which you truly empathise and which you can imagine in glowing detail, is enough to help us begin to see life from different perspectives and to describe it. One thing writing memoir taught me is that there is no such thing as the truth, and that, ‘the past is a foreign country. They do things differently there.’ Building empathy is crucial to balanced writing, and for that, even an imaginary story from someone else’s point of view is helpful.

~To begin with, it helps to set aside some time every day to get used to actually writing, and being available for that. If we have timetabled time, it follows that we respect it and come to treasure it as the opportunity we allow ourselves each day to go exploring. As we get more used to writing and build it into our daily routines, we can vary our patterns, and discover for ourselves what works.

~Listen out for any snippets of conversation. If you have a retentive mind for detail, politely ask for clarity on any anecdote that explains, or brightens the account.

~Do some on-line research for details, to get you in the mood to go exploring.

~Call yourself a writer, and feel the conviction grow that what we do here is worthwhile. We may not see any obvious dividends, but when we feel energised, excited, relieved… these are good signs that we are on the right lines.

~Write in silence, so that you can hear clearly what you want to write.

~Build a sympathetic writers network that can help you to respect, plan and focus on your writing.

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October 27, 2017

A very patient woman

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I’ve become a very patient woman.

I’ve become a very patient woman. How to explain that in the last two years our family has endured upheavals and difficulties that, even five years ago, would have torn me apart. Yet now, I am more relaxed, much happier and more accepting of all circumstances. Even awful times make me grateful for the good times, and for every shaft of light that settles on my face after a hard day.

My mother is unwell, and it is not much of an exaggeration to say that the stress of the last two years has been a major contributor to her fragile health. I really hope that she recovers. And I hope that soon, all the legal wrangles that we have endured will be at an end; or at least, at a place where we can think about our father and brother without worrying about legal niceties.

I trained as a lawyer, which I used to say was a pity, a wrong turning I took on the road, a major detour that marred two decades of my life. Now, I’m not so categorical. I am immensely grateful that, working from home, I have been able to field and read countless emails from firms of notaries in French, Flemish and English, that I have been able to listen to my mother’s questions and advice, and hopefully reassure her that, yes, everything will soon be sorted out. (In this process I have also learned that soon is relative and one might as well ask, ‘How long is a piece of string?’ but that is perhaps a story for another day.) And through a maze of labyrinthine complexity, my legal training has helped me to keep my cool and to persist with legal nit-picks. I have been upset, I have even broken down a couple of times, but given the pressures, that is good odds, and I am pleased with this sign of progress.

Your prayers for my mother’s recovery would be so appreciated. ‘And so we go on rejoicing’ as she would say.

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October 25, 2017

No laptop for me

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No laptop for me, IDS

Funny what I think about in the middle of the night. I can’t use a laptop. Strange, the realisation that it’s not worth the heartache of buying one of these svelte beauties only to see it crushed or dented when, as will come the day, I trip and fall while carrying it. Not to mention what that’ll do to my wrists, elbows, etc.

Which led me inexorably on – as these things do – to the injustices of Universal Credit, a scheme dreamed up, in all its complacent cruelty by the great Ian Duncan Smith, who, having planted this pseudo democratic notion in the minds of enforcers, has conveniently abandoned any position of authority from which he might mitigate its worst effects. His subsequent apparent change of heart and resignation from the cabinet is gesture politics at its most pointless.

But my point is, Universal Credit, introduced by Westminster conservatives to mimic the universalist character of Universal Basic Income and to offer the comforting illusion that the welfare state is non-judgemental and fair, is an impossible scheme, intended to be accessed and assessed on-line (in a constituency for which basic literacy is still a major issue. Texting is ill preparation for the simplistic brutality of on-line questionnaires). Those who depend on welfare benefits to top up in-work pay or to shell out bus fares to attend interviews (non-attendance at which can lead to sanctions) are not going to be worrying about laptops. They might be worrying about their phone credit, but how many people will access benefits from their phones?

Doing it on-line sounds sexy, fun, quick and easy, but only for those who can take the basics – a plug, an electrical supply, a computer, patience, distraction-free time, warmth and comprehension – for granted. And anyone with these advantages is not likely to be the person most in need of welfare support.

A quick glance at IDS on Wikipedia suggests that he is not short of a penny. So it’s rather sad that from the comfort of his family’s wealth he has been central in forcing those who are already down on their luck into a system which is arbitrary, slow and painful to navigate. It may not matter to IDS if he doesn’t get paid for six weeks. He might not miss the occasional sanction for turning up late; but a sanction under UC affects the entire payment, including housing benefit.

Those who apply sanctions are so rarely called to account – and by the time they are, the damage has been done, so that’s all right, then. Frankly, I’m embarrassed to be part of a society which has the unbridled power to impose pie in the sky schemes against those who have so few resources with which to fight back. Since ancient times, those in power have sought to clean up and educate the masses. I wish they would just offer us all dignity.

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October 4, 2017

4 October 2016

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4 October 2016

A year ago today, my brother died. He slipped out of this life peacefully, having fought so hard to stay. He had every incentive to stay, children who needed him, and many, many work projects and ideas that he was developing. How he kept track of all that, while working and running a household is mind-boggling. But he did it all, and the reality now, looking back at what he did, and the way he lived, is that his example has taught me so much of the small lessons, the big lessons and the huge, about what life is for.

Interestingly, his example, his strength, has illuminated for me what really matters in life and the patience, compassion and toleration that allows life to be meaningful and to flourish. His strength stands to constantly remind me to be brave and to be authentic, not frightened, when faced with challenges. And I notice, more and more, that challenges come quietly. We have to take these chances when they come along, or their like may not come again.

Another of my brother’s gifts is to have brought our family closer together in the aftermath of his passing. We have had no choice, these last two years, but to let go of past troubles, to talk honestly, to be forgiving and to listen to each other. Adversity forces us to focus on what really matters, to cut to the chase. And yes, to recognise that being grumpy, miserable and resentful are a total waste of time! It has been so totally amazing to notice and reconcile deep grieving and compassion with the desire for real happiness. We can all be sad, and deeply happy at the same time.

Time is fleeting, so let us recognise it every day as a gift and make the most of it.

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September 29, 2017

Loneliness or being alone

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Loneliness or being alone.

I guess it is easy, being alone at home, to feel lonely.

Even so, most us us know, there is no guarantee that, even with a houseful of people, we won’t feel lonely; which is not a good feeling.

Miranda, The Tempest, by John W Waterhouse

 

I love sitting peacefully listening to silence. And when I sit quietly, that is when answers come and I feel less alone. It is part of a greater realisation that I am actually never alone. If I can only remember, on the days I feel hassled, to listen out for that awareness. Hard to put into writing, but true, even so.

How many of us say we are lonely? Yet, do we make enough good quality time to rest peacefully? Even when doing something relatively calming, like reading a book or listening to music, we fret about all the things we should be doing.

The long school holidays were an interesting time for me. Seldom alone, I decided to abandon all ideas of working, and in doing so, the stress melted away – so I really enjoyed the time off, though as time passed, I felt myself yearning for opportunities just to be alone. Even an hour was rare. There have been plenty of challenges, but staying with them made them easier to resolve easily.

I need a connection with silence, which, however it works, seems to offer lots of answers far more easily than if I decide I have to push and shove. How lovely when we can find answers by doing ‘nothing’ and discern a way forward; when we discover that all the things we create while resting are valuable and on point.

Why should work be a stress, or rest, a snatched, hurried interlude? That doesn’t seem to be a good way to live.

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